Remember the showers you had pre-kids? The seemingly never-ending supply of hot water, the expensive boutique brand shampoo, and unless you were battling the fatigue caused by a much too late night before and/or accompanying hangover- the infinite time to carry out your daily hygiene ritual.
I’ll give you a moment to reminisce.
Fast forward a few years to when you had your first baby.
That’s when everything changed.
Now, there’s this funny stigma that women take longer showers than men. I mean, that could be because of that whole expectation that we should have no body hair and the time it takes for us to rid of it is behind our lengthy showers, but that’s another conversation and I digress.
In reality, Moms do take longer showers than men and there’s a darn good reason for it:
The truth behind a Mom shower
Preparation time: 10 minutes
-Get kids set up in front of Pat Patrol.
-Make sure you make enough food to sustain them for the time that you’ll be busy.
-Realize there are no clean towels.
-Smell all floor towels until you find one that doesn’t smell like urine and isn’t damp.
Getting into the shower: 8 minutes
-Keep the door somewhat ajar so you can hear if the kids are getting into things.
-Move all toys from the bottom of the bathtub-safety first!
-Hear the need for a snack replenishment.
-Go replenish snacks.
-Wait until the kids are zoned out again in front of Paw Patrol.
-Quietly return to the bathroom.
-Decide to close the door-the kids will be fine.
Showering: 20 minutes
-Set the temperature to a manageable warmth. You really shouldn’t have decided to have a shower right after the dishwasher was finished.
-Grab the shampoo.
-Realize there’s no shampoo left.
-Decide you need to have a chat with your pre-teen when you’re done your shower.
-Use bar soap to wash your hair.
-Condition hair. Why do we have so much conditioner??
-Shave armpits for a second time because you couldn’t get it all the first time (when did you last shave, anyway??)
-Hear kids fighting.
-Hear kids running to the bathroom.
-See kids standing outside the shower holding the curtain open letting water spray everywhere.
-Yell at kids to go fight somewhere else.
-Regret not locking the door.
-Run out of hot water.
-Suffer in cold water while you rinse out conditioner.
-Acknowledge hairy legs. You’ll get to them next week.
Getting out of the shower: 10 minutes
– Check out your naked body in the mirror. Daaaaaaaaaamn, you look good!
-Put hair up in a towel. Dry your body.
-Start putting on clothes-but you forgot your bra in your bedroom.
-Clean up water that is all over the bathroom floor.
-Head towards the bedroom.
-Get spotted by your children who stop fighting only to taunt you with “Mommy’s naked, mommy’s naked” while they follow you into your bedroom and ask what exactly that thing you’re putting on over top of your boobs is.
-Enjoy your nice, clean, fresh feeling before you go back to your daily duties.
So, there you have it. A simple Mom shower takes approximately 48 minutes. In “pre-kid” or “I’m a man” shower world that would translate into full hair removal, deep-conditioning treatment, and even a little hanky panky. In Mom shower world, however, that mostly translates into the kids thinking you’re always doing things for yourself and guilting you about it until they get some candy.
Go ahead. Enjoy that nice, clean feeling you worked so hard for. You have about 30 seconds before you get to clean someone’s butt or be thrown up on, so really, REALLY embrace this moment.