Sh*t My Mom Says


Most Some of the time I’m pretty good decent-ish at censoring myself in front of my children. Try as I may, there’s the occasional time or five I slip up when I enter Adultland and speak to another human being over the age of 9:

“Did you hear about that man who had his penis bitten by a snake that came over the toilet?”

Thank God I don’t have boys or I could have been dealing with some major bathroom phobias. Lucky for me it merely triggered a conversation about penile reconstructive surgery, which led to a conversation about transgender folks, which led to a conversation about sexual orientation, which led to a conversation about acceptance and non-judgement.

“I only needed 3 stitches!”

When it comes to childbirth my kids are pretty educated. They know proper anatomical terms, the stages of labor, and that most women poop while birthing. When my 3 year old heard me say I had stiches, but couldn’t see any marks on my body I knew I had some ‘splaining to do. The look on her face when I explained perineum tearing made me realize that if I ever want grandchildren I should probably keep some parts of childbirth unspoken.

“She looked like a hooker…”

KIDS: “What does a hooker look like?”

ME: “Well….Ummmm…I dunno…lots of make up, tight shirts, short skirts. They usually look really done up.”

KIDS (looking at me up and down): “You DEFINITELY don’t look like a hooker then…

“We should do ___________”

Any verbal outpouring of thought is considered to be gospel by these people. Before I’ve explained that it was a mere thought they’re upstairs packing their bags for the weekend getaway that “Mom said we were going on”.  Unfortunately, this only applies to kid-approved activities; We should clean your room” is not picked up by their radar.

“Mommy has her period.”

Ok. This is less of a thing I’ve said in front of my kids, but rather TO my kids. They’re learning that “Mommy has her period” actually means: “STAY OUT OF MY WAY AND DON’T ASK ME TO SHARE MY CHOCOLATE.”.

They’re slowing getting it…


To avoid misinterpretation I always make sure to clarify what I’ve said so their active imaginations don’t go too wild. I also explain to them that they are never to repeat anything Mommy says outside of the house…it’s better for everyone  that way.


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