Hey there, you sexy vixen! This is just a heads up that there are affiliate links in this post. That means, that if you click on one of these links I’ll receive compensation from the company at absolutely no cost to you. You’ll be getting your thrills, I’ll be getting mine. It’s pretty win-win. Now, go ahead and carry on reading about the art of masturbating!
We’ve all been there.
You’re sitting with your friend at the kitchen table when your kids come marching in holding your vibrator. Damn it! Is there no hiding spot they can’t find?! You try to shrug it off by commenting on “how phallic kids toys look these days” while also justifying the redness in your cheeks by asking if it’s warm or if it’s just you. You go to put the plastic penis away while wondering if your friend realizes it actually came from your toy chest and not the kids’. You also wonder if she happened to notice the size of your battery operated boyfriend and begin to feel slightly self-conscious. You return to the kitchen table and silently do kegels for the rest of your visit while subtly reminding her of the four vaginal births you’ve had.
That night when you go to bed and reach for your vibrator you start to think about your friend. No, not like that. You question why you got so embarrassed about her finding out that you masturbate. What’s the big deal? You’re pretty sure she does it herself. At the very least she’s having sex (or did before she had kids). Sex with another person isn’t embarrassing, so why is sex by yourself such a mortifying confession?
Listen. We all have needs and women have three pretty basic ones: food (chocolate), water (wine), and sex. While food and water are easily accessible life can present funny little challenges when it comes to getting our hands on the latter on the list of needs. Relationship status, scheduling issues, or simply an intensely strong aversion to the idea of pregnancy can prevent sex with a person from happening.
That doesn’t mean that your quest for orgasmic release has to come to a halt. What’s the alternative, you ask? The answer is right at your fingertips. Literally.
You need just a little to diddle. Nothing fancy or expensive is required. You need your hands, a little bit of alone time (the bathroom door locks, right?), and some sexy thoughts. Get to know your body. Sex with a partner doesn’t always allow for the same self-exploration that flyin’ solo does. Take advantage of this to find out exactly what tickles your fancy (and yes, there was sexual connotation in “tickles your fancy”. If you could go ahead and read that sentence again but say it while raising an eyebrow in a suggestive way or something…).
Maybe the fingers of a Goddess (you) are becoming a little boring for you. Perhaps you’re looking for something a little more risqué. That’s where your old friend BOB comes in. BOB is a Battery Operated Boyfriend, and truly he’s the best kind. In fact, there’s already an ode to BOB on this blog, but here’s another just to show appreciation:
BOB, BOB…I know you’re not real,
But the way you make me feel
Is the real deal.
You make my knees weak,
You make my body quiver
You give me everything I need
And nothing from me you ever seek.
Really, you don’t need to get something battery operated. A classic dildo might do the trick for you! Or maybe some nipple clamps? Or possibly anal beads? A field trip to the local sex store may give you the inspiration you need. You might head in there thinking you know what you want but see something else that tickles your fancy (did you do it this time??).
*Pro tip: If you touch a vibrator to the tip of your nose that will give you an indication of how it will feel on your clitoris. Doing this probably won’t give you an orgasm- if it does please share because you are the luckiest person on the planet- but it will give you some insight into whether this particular vibrator will be too strong or not strong enough for your pleasuring pleasure.
Before you head into the sex store you need to do a couple things: take off the hat and sunglasses, hold that head up high, understand that everyone who sees you going in there knows why you’re going in there, and choose to not give a flying fuck that everyone who sees you going in there knows why you’re going in there.
If that’s truly not your bag and that empowerment speech didn’t convince you to confidently waltz into your local sex store you’re in luck. Fortunately, we live in an age of technology. There are online stores that carry the same selection of sex toys as your local shop and you can keep your purchases as discreet as possible. In fact, this store ships your order in nondescript packaging so you won’t get any knowing looks from your mail carrier! You can certainly thank the mail carrier for your Rabbit style vibrator (ahhhhhhhhmazing-definitely a high recommendation) or you can not. It’s totally your call.
Toys. No toys. Sex store. Online shopping. However you go about beginning your journey of exploring your relationship with you, yourself, and yours understand the benefits you’ll reap from showing yourself physical love: You can’t catch STI’s. You can’t get pregnant. You can orgasm until YOU’RE done orgasming-because women’s bodies are incredible like that. You’ll relieve stress. If your premenstrual cramps are bad they can be alleviated by an orgasm. The sleep you have after masturbating will be great! You’ll be relaxed. YOU’LL FEEL BOLD AND POWERFUL when masturbating gives you an understanding of how to pleasure yourself and can give your body the lovin’ it craves.
Wanna talk about natural living? This is it! We have urges that need to be satisfied. We have rad bodies that need to be discovered by ourselves. Don’t allow the antiquated notion that sex is taboo get in the way of you embracing, fostering, and nurturing the sexual desires you feel!
Men compare their forearm muscles and rationalize their tardiness because they had to “rub one out”. Women, on the other hand, don’t often discuss why they read this blog post while sitting on top of the washing machine while it was in the spin cycle.
You’ve heard of Hysteria. It was a “disorder” that was caused by ignorant doctors and a lack of societal acceptance. Obviously, there’s a lot more to it than that, but that’s hysteria in a nutshell. We’re way past the days where doctors would have to give women a clinical orgasm to keep them from “going crazy. Nowadays, we get to do that ourselves. And do that ourselves we should! Keep Hysteria at bay; masturbate every day! (Truly, I should be a jingle writer!)
Masturbating isn’t dirty. It isn’t shameful, embarrassing, or unnecessary. So, why do we treat it like it is? Wear your sexual self with pride and confidence. Allow yourself to come around to the idea of being comfortable with your body. Then, allow yourself to come around a few more times- multiple orgasms are a lot easier to have when you’re by yourself FYI! Master the masturbate. You won’t be sorry you did.
Now, go have some sex with the person in the world that you truly should love the most: YOURSELF!
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