New Job Posting: Full-time MOM! Suckers, I mean, applicants apply within.


It generally doesn’t take much to become a parent.

There’s no formal education necessary, no required skills, and no application process.

Imagine, though, if there was. Here’s what the top applicant would look like:


Name: Mama, Mommy, Ma, Hey You, MOOOOOOOM…just not ma’am. Never call me ma’am (it makes me feel old).

Age: 29….forever.

Address: No idea. I’ve never seen outside the laundry room.



-PhD in Reverse Psychology

-Bathroom Kit First Aid certified


Relevant Work Experience:

-Poop Scooper at the zoo

-Negotiator in hospital Psychiatric Ward

-Custodian at LegoLand

-Chef at “Nobody’s Gonna Eat This Anyway” restaurant

-Chauffeur for drunken fraternity


Relevant Skills and Strengths:

-Strong ability to dismiss irritating, repetitive noise

-Hold daytime liquor well (I almost never slur)

-Comprehensive knowledge of suitable profanity for any given situation

-Zero modesty; I can pee in front of an audience



24/7/365. I also function on limited sleep, can eat standing up, and hold my urine for hours (unless I sneeze), so few breaks are necessary.


Desired Pay:

Loving hugs and kisses are all I need.

Just kidding.

I’ll accept wine.


Personal References:

Ahriya: CEO of Energysucker inc.

Talia: President of the Association of Tiny Dictators

Kaia: Facilitator of Attituders Annonymous

Nevaeh: Professor of Moody Preteens 101 at Mom’s-In-For-It University



Oh snap. I think this bitch is hired!!

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