Being alone doesn’t have to be lonely

It may stand to reason that raising four daughters would render me fearless, and while that is true now it hasn’t always been that way. Once upon a time, I had a few things that I was quite fearful of such as flying,  using public transit, going out after dark, and most significantly: being by myself. 

In 2019, on a Thursday, I called my kids’ dad and asked him if he had plans between October 19 and October 31. When he said “no” I told him that was a really good thing because I had just booked myself a flight to England. He pointed out that I’d never left North America, that I hadn’t left my children for anything more than two days at that point, and that I don’t like sleeping away from home. 

I knew all of this was true but I wasn’t about to let that get in my way. 

It was just me and my carry-on backpack that arrived in Heathrow Airport and it was then that I realized that ‘’OH MY GODDESS!! I’M ALONE HERE! WHAT HAVE I DONE?’’. I was terrified. Who was I going to mull over decisions that needed to be made with? Who was I going to chat with on those long train rides through the country? Who was going to snap me out of it when I decided I don’t want to take public transit because it’s scary? 

I quickly found myself in a busy Tube station and realized very quickly that the only person who was going to have to take on all of those responsibilities….was me. As I hid between two pillars with tears stinging my eyes and my stomach in knots I realized that I was the only one available to tell myself to chill out, take a deep breath, and that everything was going to be just fine. I had 10 more days alone and knew that if I was going to make the most of it I had to start trusting, liking, and appreciating…me. 

What goes through your mind when you’re out with your friends and you see someone sitting at the booth next to you eating their pasta all by themselves? Or if you’re at a movie and someone buys just one ticket? There seems to be an element of sadness when it comes to seeing someone who appears lonely. Being alone has become synonymous with “lonely” thanks to Hollywood depictions of a solo person. In the movies, being alone often follows a tragic romantic breakup or falling out of friendships. The matter of being alone doesn’t appear to be a choice but a result of abandonment. 

The thing is…being alone absolutely can be a choice. In fact, rather than the illusion of being lonely that some may perceive being alone as I like to think that it’s a sign of independence and bravery. There are definitely some precautions that you have to take when you’re out and about on your own. That intuition that is quite often ignored needs to be listened to like it’s screaming in your face. You’ve got your own back, so you need to heighten your senses and be more aware of your surroundings, especially at nighttime. Don’t be scared, but be prepared. 

Quite honestly, the confidence that you radiate from your bad-ass self as you walk with your head high provides a fair bit of security on its own. A self-assured person living and rocking their best life sparks inspiration and intrigue, but quite often also indicates strength and can be a little intimidating. It’s a look and it’s a mood…and, in my opinion, darn good ones at that. 

You get a unique opportunity to learn SO much about yourself when you spend time with just you. Not only does it allow for uninterrupted inner dialogue to happen but you’re able to pick up on some of your nuances that you perhaps wouldn’t notice if you were with others. The potential for growth in your self-awareness is increased exponentially when you get that chance to get to know who you are. When you’re able to focus on yourself you may find yourself less distracted by others and more able to tune into your needs, desires, and interests. Perhaps you’ll even convince yourself to finally try out a musical instrument like that super cool woman in one of your summer semester classes implored you to do. 

You’re forced to push your limits and boundaries when you have nobody else to rely on. Until your own inner voice and critic are ringing those alarms you learn a sense of where your comfort level expands to. When there’s nobody around to influence your decisions the ones you make are entirely your own. You deliberate things differently when you know that the results and consequences fall entirely on you. It’s not as easy to make choices when you have nobody to blame but yourself. 

While you’re learning about your awesome self, being alone may open up a chance for other people to get to know your awesome self, too. Sure, you may be the weird gal at the bar sitting by herself drinking her Scotch, but you may also be that ultra-approachable gal that gets invited on a pub crawl in another country with a bunch of locals and ends up having an unforgettable night. The more you realize the wonderful things you have to offer as a human being the more others will see it and gravitate towards you. 

My time in England taught me a lot.

I learned that you don’t need anyone’s hand to hold when there’s turbulence in the plane - you can take some deep breaths and tell yourself that everything is going to be okay. 

I learned that Double Deckers are freaking cool and walking 35 kilometres in one day is not a great alternative to public transit when you’re exploring a new city. 

I learned that going out after dark is scary, especially when you’re by yourself, but there’s a whole world of exciting adventures waiting when the sun goes down. 

I learned that being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. In fact, it’s crucial for your self-development. If you don’t spend time alone you’ll miss out on the chance to dive deep into the person that you are and the person you want to become. 

The next time that you feel compelled to call up a pal and ask them to join you on some adventure consider doing it on your own. Don’t discount yourself when you’re looking for some company to share an experience with. 

Don’t worry about what other people think of you. They don’t know what they’re missing out on. 

Don’t overthink it. Just go. It doesn’t matter what it is that you’re considering doing. Most things can be done by yourself. Enjoy those moments and savour them. 

Don’t be afraid to spend some time with the person in this world that you should love the most - yourself.