natural ways to deal with hemorrhoids

Childbirth can be a pain in the butt! This is what you can do about hemorrhoids!

There are few things that a person truly has to see to believe: a UFO, the Loch Ness monster, and the gigantic hemorrhoids that can result from vaginal childbirth.

9 (million- amiright?!) or so months is ample time for a woman to become educated and informed on what her body is about to experience. She will be fascinated by the changes her body will make physically. She will be aware of the aches and pains that are normal while she grows life inside of her. She will understand the process of labor and know the calming strategies for when she delivers her precious baby.

Although, there are some things a woman will not ever be able to learn from parenting books or social media. There are facts surrounding vaginal birth that seem to be avoided by the general public. Nobody seems to want to discuss pooping on the table, how a woman’s vagina looks after birth, and hemorrhoids that are so big they deserve the second name choice you had for your new baby.

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Hemorrhoids…*shiver*

Hemorrhoids often begin to rear their ugly heads when a woman is pregnant. When she’s carrying a child in her body there’s a whole lotta pressure bearing down on her backside.These nasty hemorrhoids often loiter for a few months, making their presence vaguely known here and there. It’s typically not until she’s given birth that they make their grand entrance.

When a woman gives birth she gets to celebrate the life of her child. However, she must also grieve the death of her modesty. She just had the most exposed experience of her life as she pooped on the table (it ain’t no myth) moments before showcasing a baby coming out of her vagina through her splayed legs to the group of enthusiastic spectators. She felt confident explaining to the young student doctor that he, in fact, did not freeze her properly and that she could, in fact, feel him stitching her up. She has no problem taking off her nursing gown to put her baby to her breast in front of the room of visitors.

However, no words can describe the humiliation of having a well-intentioned nurse come to check up on the painful monster that has grown from her anus.   

Her pride and ego will heal quickly once she arrives home from the hospital, but the physical pain she’s feeling in her rear end will need some tending to.

Her doctor has recommended she get a medicated topical cream, but her partner, still in shock from what was seen in the delivery room, did not hear her request to go buy some. She is forced to take matters into her own hands and use things from around the house:

How a woman can heal her hemorrhoids

how to deal with hemorrhoids

-She sits on soft surfaces if and when she sits. That breastfeeding pillow she has is very multi-use.

-She drinks lots and lots of water.

-She tries to get plenty of rest.

-She eats highly fibrous foods in order to avoid constipation and keep things as smooth as possible.

-She took a lot of gear from the hospital when she left. Those uber-comfortable, uber-sexy mesh undies, mondo sized pads, and peri-bottles. She can use that to clean her entire nether region.

-She has a sitz bath whenever possible.

-She soaks a cloth in Witch Hazel and puts it between her bum cheeks to reduce swelling.

-She checks out Pinterest for other home remedies and assesses which ones would be suitable for her comfort level. A nice condom filled with ice cubes up the butt may work for some, but maybe not for her. 

She complains loudly because that provides the most relief possible and because she deserves to do that, dammit!

Due to the sensitive nature of the situation, it’s wise to be slightly cryptic in your advice to the new Mom in order to avoid embarrassment and possible hormonal outbursts from saying the wrong thing (this ain’t no myth either). Unless she explicitly shares what a pain in the butt childbirth was for her you won’t know for sure whether hemorrhoids is a condition that she’s currently suffering from. The pep talk she gives herself as she waddles into the bathroom is an indication, but it’s best not to assume.

Kindly suggest that she takes care of “yourselves” -”[her]selves” being her and her hemorrhoids. Bring her countless glasses of water while explaining that dehydration can cause fatigue (**this will work as a double positive: she will assume that your gesture implies she doesn’t appear fatigued. Go with this. Tell her how beautiful she is at the moment but don’t make eye contact with the bags under her eyes-she’ll figure out you’re lying). Bring her a food plate of dried figs, grapes, and bran muffins for “nourishment” purposes.

Whether or not you’ve had issues with massive growths on your rectum is beside the point. One can only begin to imagine the discomfort that they cause. Be secretly sympathetic while maintaining an element of smugness: you know darn well that this pain in her ass will be nothing compared to her sweet little baby when they grow into a teenager.

 

reclaim your yoga class

How to reclaim your yoga class: A guide to vagina farts

Kwif. Muff puff. Queef. Vart. Cooter Pooter.

VAGINA FARTS.

 

If you have a vagina, you know exactly what I’m talking about. We’ve all been there: the dead silent yoga class. You’re in a blissful state and looking hot in your yoga pants. You’re standing directly in front of the cutest person in the class. You gracefully go from shaking your tush in Downward Dog into Warrior Pose — and pffffffffft.

Fuck.

You look around in an attempt to not appear suspicious while also making sure nobody is looking at your accusingly. You notice a couple people looking over at your direction and you desperately want to yell “that didn’t come from my bum!” because for some weird reason that would make you feel better. You try to shrug it off like it ain’t no thang, but it’s hard to envision your chakras aligning when you’re focusing on your fear of fluctuating from your vagina.

You feel like there’s no way you could ever go back, but listen up lady: you can reclaim your yoga class!

Understand that this is normal. Just like boob sweat, upper lip hairs, and PAP smears, vagina farts during inopportune moments (quiet yoga class, romp sessions, etc.) is just another thing to add to the list of weirdly wonderful things our female selves get to deal with.

Vagina farts are not the result of too much raw broccoli in your lunch. Air gets in your vagina during various activities, and then escapes shortly after.

That’s it.

There’s really nothing gross about it…other than the sound it makes, which exactly resembles the ones that men and toddlers find inexplicably hilarious (minus the stench that goes along with theirs). However, regardless of the reason behind it, it doesn’t negate how embarrassing it can be. For most people who don’t have a vagina- and even some who do- the sound coming from your lady parts isn’t what they’re assuming caused the “pfffffffffffft”.

How to quit the queef

Preventing these red-faced moments is actually reasonably easy. We all know that kegels and squats can be helpful when it comes to avoiding urinary incontinence (i.e. peeing your pants when you sneeze, laugh, jump, cough, breathe…you know), but they can also be helpful when it comes to toning the muscles so the air doesn’t pass so easily.  Your doctor, midwife, pelvic floor physiotherapist (this is a thing, ladies- ask your doctor for a referral!!) can all give you tips on how to do a proper kegel to make sure you’re getting the most of your efforts.

Now you know exactly what’s causing this fantastically annoying occurrence, so how do you deal with it when it happens?

There’s a few options:

  1. Completely deny it was you. Point your finger at the guy sitting beside you (because for some reason it’s far more acceptable for men’s bodies to make these noises). Blame your child. Accuse the dog. Don’t take any ownership.
  2. Say “excuse me” and allow everyone around you to assume you had too much raw broccoli in your lunch.
  3. Nonchalantly say “Sorry, that was my vagina”.

Your response will be situational, but whenever possible it is ideal to fill other folks in on the wonders that is the vagina and casually mention the third option. It’s the only way we’re going to end the embarrassment of vagina farts so that women can resume that downward dog–in the yoga studio AND in the bedroom!