postpartum poo

The truth about the postpartum poo

Ask a 4 year old about postpartum poo and they’ll begin laughing hysterically and making farting sounds. (P.S. They don’t know what “postpartum poo” is and they don’t care. You said “poo”.)

Ask a woman who’s given birth about postpartum poo and her response will let you know that this shit ain’t funny.

Your body has just experienced a majorly traumatic experience. Labour is traumatic. Delivery is traumatic. Hemorrhoids are traumatic. Breastfeeding is traumatic. Parenting is traumatic.

Having a kid is just one big trauma fest, really.

I mean, don’t get me wrong; there’s a lot of joy and happiness in having a baby, too, but holy Toledo can it be a massive pain in the ass.

Literally.

Okay, so I’m about to get nice and graphic for you here. If you don’t like talking about poo or you’re still recovering from your own postpartum poo and the thought alone triggers you to clench up so tight you have near buns of steel, then perhaps this blog post isn’t for you.

However, if you’re like the SO MANY women out there who are about to bring a child into the world and haven’t been informed of the truth about the postpartum poo you most definitely need to read on.

 If you're like so many women who have no idea what to expect with their postpartum poo then this article is a must read for you!

Ok, so you’ve delivered your beautiful little baby. Chances are your bowels were evacuated when you were splayed on the table in front of a team of doctors and nurses while your partner caught the whole thing on camera, so you may not feel the need to have a poo for a few days. This is a good thing. You need a few days to load up on soluble fiber, stool softeners, and so much water.

Understandably, when you do feel the urge to push you get a little anxious. After all, the last thing to come out of your body was a baby. While that’s not likely to happen again so immediately, you probably still feel a bit uneasy about the whole thing. However, holding it in WILL NOT do you any service. That shit will just build up, compacting as it does. You’ll be taking “shitting bricks” to a whole new level if you don’t take care of business as soon as the opportunity arises.

Just as birth is different for everybody, so is the postpartum poo. Some poor souls have a 40 hour labour, spend hours pushing, and wind up with first-degree tearing while others deliver their babies after a mild cramp and a sneeze. The same ridiculously unfair comparison applies to the postpartum poo. You may be spending a great deal of uncomfortable time on the toilet, or you may be simply pretending to do so behind a locked door while yelling “I’m almost done. *grunt*” and catching up on your Facebook gossip.

Once you’re finished not pooping out a baby (I mention this fact because I’m sure you considered that was a possibility at least once during this process) you need to give yourself a good, relieving cleaning. Remember that peri-bottle your beautiful midwife or doctor gave you? Yep-that thing will offer as a wonderful substitute for the toilet paper that will feel like sandpaper on your poor bits. It will also make you wonder why you don’t live in France, or at the very least, own a bidet.

You may experience a bit of residual discomfort once you’re all finished. Have you heard of a padsicle? Wet down maxi pad in witch hazel and throw it in the freezer for a bit. Once it’s nice and cooled down slap that baby into your super sexy mesh hospital panties or your super sexy granny panties. This will give some relief to your stretched out vagina (don’t look yet-I’m warning you), those hemorrhoids that are lurking, and your poor anus that truly doesn’t know what just hit it.

Rest assured that any poops subsequent to this first postpartum poo won’t be nearly as traumatizing. Well, not any of yours, anyway…

#newbornpoo #ewww #pooface #uptheback #poosplosion


mdhm pee

A Mom’s guide to peeing your pants

You think you’ve got it this time. You see the door and you’re sure you can make it. You carefully maneuver yourself-slowly and cautiously with legs tightly, yet inconspicuously together-to your destination. Suddenly, something stops  you in your tracks. You’ve felt this before and you know the outcome can be tragic. You cross your legs in a very obvious fashion now and wait for the urge to pass.

It doesn’t.

“AAAACHOOOOOOOFUCK”.

That’s the sound you make when you sneeze and pee a little.

At home it ain’t no thang. You ignore the confused look from your potty training two-year-old who just got that “we pee in the potty and not in our pants, please” and proceed to search for a clean pair of granny panties and yoga tights to put on.

Things are a little different when you’re in public and the dangerous combination of having to pee and having to sneeze presents itself,  reminding you of the awkward phase in your life where you’re too old for baby diapers and too young for adult diapers.

You have a few options for what to do with your soiled self when you’re in public:

Own it

Lady, your body did a bad-ass, but literally mother fucking thing. Your bladder was trampled on and likely destroyed by that small person that lived inside of you for 9 million months, and it won’t ever be the same again despite all the kegels you do.

Stretch marks are a badge of honor for some child-bearing women. Why can’t a little puddle of pee on occasion hold the same sentiment?

Pretend you’re in labor

Chances are you have a bit of residual baby belly-because that shit lasts a lifetime. If not, quickly grab a sweater under your shirt and grab your belly in a maternal way accompanied by an expression of surprise from your water just breaking. Play the irrational labouring woman to your advantage and insist you need expensive chocolate to calm your contractions just enough for you to get to the car and drive yourself to the hospital, thank you very much.

Stage an accident

Oh no! Your water bottle was faulty and spilled water all down your front when you went to take a drink!

*Please note: this is only a reasonable option if you have actual water in your water bottle. We don’t need to reveal any secrets now, do we?!

Find Adam Sandler

“You’re not cool unless you pee your pants”-Billy Madison.

Remember that movie? When Adam Sandler plays Billy Madison and splashes water on his crotch to show solidarity to a peer who peed his pants and was being ridiculed by the other kids?

Chances are you’re not actually going to find Adam Sandler in the middle of a Costco diaper section, but you might find someone who’s got your back. Catch the gaze of a fellow Mama. She’s probably dealt with this situation. She may not engage in an act of solidarity quite like Billy Madison did, but she may offer some empathetic assistance and you may find yourself a bestie!

 

You always have the option to wrap your sweater around your waist or put some shopping bags in front of unfortunate incident, Truly, though, the alternatives above seem like a fun way to lighten up the situation a bit.

In order to prevent these little incidents try making sure you don’t get to a point where you really have to go. You know how you tell your kids that holding in your pee is really bad for you and they shouldn’t do it? NEITHER SHOULD YOU! Take those few moments to relieve yourself. If you don’t, urine trouble.

 

 

This is why you should consider a home birth

This is why you should consider a home birth

All views expressed in this post are entirely my own opinions. Any reflection that I make on home birth is based on my own experiences. If you have questions please talk to your doctor or midwife. 

 

My first experience with birth was pretty terrifying. I was 20 years old and completely unknowing of what my body was about to endure. My baby had a congenital heart defect* that required many doctors to be present in the birthing room. I was induced by Pitocin drip because the medical staff wanted my baby born so her heart could be treated. I was basically strapped to the bed due to the monitors I was hooked up to. I was given options for pain relief but didn’t opt for them until it was too late (did you know you can’t get an epidural while you’re pushing??).

My first birth experience as sterile and clinical. I was disconnected but had no idea it could be any other way.

*My daughter was born with Double Outlet Right Ventricle, a ventricular septal defect, and a single coronary artery. She had two surgeries to correct it. You can read her story here!

When I was pregnant with my second daughter I knew I wanted something different. I did some research and planned out my birth. I was still a little shaken up by my oldest daughter and her condition and knew that I wanted this baby to be born in a hospital. My water broke a week after she was due but no labor progressed. Unfortunately, I had to be induced once again. My doctor, whom I adored during my pregnancy was there intermittently throughout the labor.  My nurse felt my birth plan was irrelevant and followed me around asking if I wanted pain medication for almost my entire labor. I ended up locking myself in the bathroom by myself until I was ready to push. My doctor missed the birth because my sweet girl came rather quickly. She was delivered by two nurses.

It wasn’t quite as scary as my first birth experience, but it certainly wasn’t the warm and fuzzy one I was hoping for.

this is why you should have a home birth

My third pregnancy is where things changed. We moved out of the town we were living in, which meant we left my doctor. Having a baby in our new town meant one of three things: 1. Get a new doctor, 2. Go to the maternity group based in the hospital in the next town over, or 3. Get a midwife. I’d had friends who had AMAZING births with their midwife so I thought I would give it a try.

As my pregnancy progressed so did my fear of hospitals. I dealt with significant prenatal anxiety and depression, and a fear of hospitals transpired from that. The idea of having a home birth was now not an option to entertain-it was the ONLY option in my mind.

My prenatal care was exemplary. The group of midwives that I had were the most caring, nurturing, compassionate women I could ask for. I felt at ease. I felt that my views surrounding birth really mattered.

My darling third daughter was two weeks overdue. Now, to the non-pregnant person that doesn’t seem like a lot, but to anyone who’s grown a child inside of their body- two weeks is an eternity! I decided to try out the “labor cocktail” to send a clear message to my little one that she was being evicted!

My midwife was by my side from the moment I said I needed her there. She calmly guided me through the birth in the comfort of my own bed. I had all the luxuries of home…because I was in my home! My birth was calm, gentle, and quick (although not as quick as my next one would be!!). My body responded to the low-stress environment and was able to act accordingly. There were no bright lights, no beeping, people talking in the hallway. I had full control of my surroundings. I got to sleep in my own bed that night and didn’t have to worry about packing all my stuff up the following morning. I ate all my own food and didn’t get any funny looks when I asked for my placenta to be put in the fridge until I was able to take it home with me. 

My fourth home birth was the most intensely wonderfully terrifying experience I could have asked for. Listen to this home birth story here (but don’t hate me too much-short labor wasn’t my fault!!):

The home births that I personally had were the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had. It’s truly not an option for everyone, but if you and your caregiver decide that it could be an option for you I would highly recommend trying it out!

Did you have a home birth? Share your story in the comments!

natural ways to deal with hemorrhoids

Childbirth can be a pain in the butt! This is what you can do about hemorrhoids!

There are few things that a person truly has to see to believe: a UFO, the Loch Ness monster, and the gigantic hemorrhoids that can result from vaginal childbirth.

9 (million- amiright?!) or so months is ample time for a woman to become educated and informed on what her body is about to experience. She will be fascinated by the changes her body will make physically. She will be aware of the aches and pains that are normal while she grows life inside of her. She will understand the process of labor and know the calming strategies for when she delivers her precious baby.

Although, there are some things a woman will not ever be able to learn from parenting books or social media. There are facts surrounding vaginal birth that seem to be avoided by the general public. Nobody seems to want to discuss pooping on the table, how a woman’s vagina looks after birth, and hemorrhoids that are so big they deserve the second name choice you had for your new baby.

little adventures company advertisement

Hemorrhoids…*shiver*

Hemorrhoids often begin to rear their ugly heads when a woman is pregnant. When she’s carrying a child in her body there’s a whole lotta pressure bearing down on her backside.These nasty hemorrhoids often loiter for a few months, making their presence vaguely known here and there. It’s typically not until she’s given birth that they make their grand entrance.

When a woman gives birth she gets to celebrate the life of her child. However, she must also grieve the death of her modesty. She just had the most exposed experience of her life as she pooped on the table (it ain’t no myth) moments before showcasing a baby coming out of her vagina through her splayed legs to the group of enthusiastic spectators. She felt confident explaining to the young student doctor that he, in fact, did not freeze her properly and that she could, in fact, feel him stitching her up. She has no problem taking off her nursing gown to put her baby to her breast in front of the room of visitors.

However, no words can describe the humiliation of having a well-intentioned nurse come to check up on the painful monster that has grown from her anus.   

Her pride and ego will heal quickly once she arrives home from the hospital, but the physical pain she’s feeling in her rear end will need some tending to.

Her doctor has recommended she get a medicated topical cream, but her partner, still in shock from what was seen in the delivery room, did not hear her request to go buy some. She is forced to take matters into her own hands and use things from around the house:

How a woman can heal her hemorrhoids

how to deal with hemorrhoids

-She sits on soft surfaces if and when she sits. That breastfeeding pillow she has is very multi-use.

-She drinks lots and lots of water.

-She tries to get plenty of rest.

-She eats highly fibrous foods in order to avoid constipation and keep things as smooth as possible.

-She took a lot of gear from the hospital when she left. Those uber-comfortable, uber-sexy mesh undies, mondo sized pads, and peri-bottles. She can use that to clean her entire nether region.

-She has a sitz bath whenever possible.

-She soaks a cloth in Witch Hazel and puts it between her bum cheeks to reduce swelling.

-She checks out Pinterest for other home remedies and assesses which ones would be suitable for her comfort level. A nice condom filled with ice cubes up the butt may work for some, but maybe not for her. 

She complains loudly because that provides the most relief possible and because she deserves to do that, dammit!

Due to the sensitive nature of the situation, it’s wise to be slightly cryptic in your advice to the new Mom in order to avoid embarrassment and possible hormonal outbursts from saying the wrong thing (this ain’t no myth either). Unless she explicitly shares what a pain in the butt childbirth was for her you won’t know for sure whether hemorrhoids is a condition that she’s currently suffering from. The pep talk she gives herself as she waddles into the bathroom is an indication, but it’s best not to assume.

Kindly suggest that she takes care of “yourselves” -”[her]selves” being her and her hemorrhoids. Bring her countless glasses of water while explaining that dehydration can cause fatigue (**this will work as a double positive: she will assume that your gesture implies she doesn’t appear fatigued. Go with this. Tell her how beautiful she is at the moment but don’t make eye contact with the bags under her eyes-she’ll figure out you’re lying). Bring her a food plate of dried figs, grapes, and bran muffins for “nourishment” purposes.

Whether or not you’ve had issues with massive growths on your rectum is beside the point. One can only begin to imagine the discomfort that they cause. Be secretly sympathetic while maintaining an element of smugness: you know darn well that this pain in her ass will be nothing compared to her sweet little baby when they grow into a teenager.

 

reclaim your yoga class

How to reclaim your yoga class: A guide to vagina farts

Kwif. Muff puff. Queef. Vart. Cooter Pooter.

VAGINA FARTS.

 

If you have a vagina, you know exactly what I’m talking about. We’ve all been there: the dead silent yoga class. You’re in a blissful state and looking hot in your yoga pants. You’re standing directly in front of the cutest person in the class. You gracefully go from shaking your tush in Downward Dog into Warrior Pose — and pffffffffft.

Fuck.

You look around in an attempt to not appear suspicious while also making sure nobody is looking at your accusingly. You notice a couple people looking over at your direction and you desperately want to yell “that didn’t come from my bum!” because for some weird reason that would make you feel better. You try to shrug it off like it ain’t no thang, but it’s hard to envision your chakras aligning when you’re focusing on your fear of fluctuating from your vagina.

You feel like there’s no way you could ever go back, but listen up lady: you can reclaim your yoga class!

Understand that this is normal. Just like boob sweat, upper lip hairs, and PAP smears, vagina farts during inopportune moments (quiet yoga class, romp sessions, etc.) is just another thing to add to the list of weirdly wonderful things our female selves get to deal with.

Vagina farts are not the result of too much raw broccoli in your lunch. Air gets in your vagina during various activities, and then escapes shortly after.

That’s it.

There’s really nothing gross about it…other than the sound it makes, which exactly resembles the ones that men and toddlers find inexplicably hilarious (minus the stench that goes along with theirs). However, regardless of the reason behind it, it doesn’t negate how embarrassing it can be. For most people who don’t have a vagina- and even some who do- the sound coming from your lady parts isn’t what they’re assuming caused the “pfffffffffffft”.

How to quit the queef

Preventing these red-faced moments is actually reasonably easy. We all know that kegels and squats can be helpful when it comes to avoiding urinary incontinence (i.e. peeing your pants when you sneeze, laugh, jump, cough, breathe…you know), but they can also be helpful when it comes to toning the muscles so the air doesn’t pass so easily.  Your doctor, midwife, pelvic floor physiotherapist (this is a thing, ladies- ask your doctor for a referral!!) can all give you tips on how to do a proper kegel to make sure you’re getting the most of your efforts.

Now you know exactly what’s causing this fantastically annoying occurrence, so how do you deal with it when it happens?

There’s a few options:

  1. Completely deny it was you. Point your finger at the guy sitting beside you (because for some reason it’s far more acceptable for men’s bodies to make these noises). Blame your child. Accuse the dog. Don’t take any ownership.
  2. Say “excuse me” and allow everyone around you to assume you had too much raw broccoli in your lunch.
  3. Nonchalantly say “Sorry, that was my vagina”.

Your response will be situational, but whenever possible it is ideal to fill other folks in on the wonders that is the vagina and casually mention the third option. It’s the only way we’re going to end the embarrassment of vagina farts so that women can resume that downward dog–in the yoga studio AND in the bedroom!