roses-142876_1920

Hot Mama! 7 simple ways to turn a woman on!

Prerequisites for having sex before you’ve had children:

  1. Not applicable

Prerequisites for having sex after you’ve had children:

  1. Children are asleep
  2. Both parties have showered
  3. Both parties have enough energy
  4. The house is clean
  5. Backpacks are packed for the next day
  6. The bedroom door is closed and locked
  7. No noise is made during the romp session

Everything changes after you’ve had kids. Your sex life is no exception. What once worked for you to turn a woman on may still do the trick; but you probably need to make a few modifications:

 

Talk dirty

Be dirty. Be gross. Be downright nasty.

She wants to hear every single detail of the filth you uncovered while you cleaned the bathroom so she didn’t have to. Tell her how you were on your knees scrubbing every corner. Let her know that you rubbed the shaft of that shower head until it was glowing.  She wants to hear about how you squirted the cleaner in the sink. Don’t leave her with any clean thoughts; only a clean bathroom.

Find her “G” Spot

Figure out a Go away spot for her to escape for a while. Encourage her to head to a yoga class, go for a massage at the spa, or have coffee with friends. Tell her to find something to do that’s just for her. She will be ohhh-ohhh-ohhhhhhhhhh so grateful you did.

Kiss her in all the right places

Kiss her ears? That’s ok…  Kiss the back of the neck? That’s nice…

Kiss her ass? You got it! Tell her how pretty she looks in her pajamas. Compliment her snack making abilities ( fishy crackers on a plate is more work than some care to acknowledge). Express what a wonderful job she’s doing as a mother. Let her know of all the wonderful things she’s doing.

Make sure you’re sincere. Any faking will be reciprocated later.

Make her a romantic dinner

Or just order pizza. Basically, anything that doesn’t involve HER cooking will excite her. Feel free set up candles and use the nice china (nice china=a plate that isn’t chipped), but don’t fuss too much about the food you’ll be eating at dinner. Think more about what you’re going to eat after dinner, you know, for dessert.

Buy her flowers

They may not be on the massively long list of food that needs to bought for the house, but you can find flowers at the grocery store when you go pick up groceries so she doesn’t have to battle the lines. Make sure that you buy all that’s on the list, but feel free to include a few extras such as chocolate, oysters, and strawberries.

Get her wet

You know it.

I know it.

She hasn’t bathed in a while.

Take the kids. Draw her a bath. Put away the pink rubber ducky (but leave the pink Rabbit).

Make sure to put the bath mat out for her before she gets in. You know how slippery things can get when they’re wet…you don’t want her falling!

Choose something comfortable for her to wear

Find something lacy, black, tight, and revealing.

Now, burn it.

Grab your brain and get the woman some yoga pants and her favorite hoody. If you’re lucky she’ll throw on that old nursing bra she has in the closet; you won’t have to undo the back but you’ll still have easy access.

 

 

There you have it. It really IS that easy to turn a woman on after she’s had kids.  All those extra things you once knew to get her “in the mood” pre-kids (glass of wine, massage, serenading) will still get her into bed…but she’ll be fast asleep before you can say “Honey, I showered.”

 

Flowers for a hot mama!

 

A letter to myself

A letter to me (from my future self)

a-letter-to-me

 

Hey, girl! It’s me- your future self!

It’s me- your future self!

First of all, let me start by telling you—because I know it’s been on your mind–your boobs do bounce back, and you will age gracefully. At 50 you still tell people you’re 29, and they believe you. Well done!

Listen. I know what you’re going through right now.  The kids are little. You’re exhausted. You’re overwhelmed. You’re working your absolute hardest. You’re doing everything you can to make sure those kids are getting what they need, the house is getting cleaned, and that your partner is happy. You’re drained. You’re maxed out.

You’re drained. You’re maxed out.

You’re feeling like everything you’re doing is wrong.

It’s not.

It’s not. It’s not. It’s not.

Yep, you’re making mistakes. OF COURSE YOU’RE MAKING MISTAKES!!! You won’t stop making mistakes. Even when the kids are adults you’ll continue to mess up.

Guess what?

You AND your children learn from those mistakes. They help you grow. They contribute to the person you become. They allow those kids to see that you are a human being. If you were perfect all the time you wouldn’t be doing those little people any favors. They’ve grown up having a realistic idea of what the world is like: imperfect. Your mistakes have allowed them to understand that THEY are allowed to make mistakes. Your mistakes have given them the ability to understand their own mistakes, acknowledge them, and move on as better people.

 

You’re thinking you yell too much right now. That you cry too often in front of the kids. That you aren’t effectively disciplining the kids. That you let them watch too much t.v. and eat too much junk food. You feel guilt.

All of the above is true.

Do you know what?

They lived! What’s more, they lived AND they’re successful, well-adjusted adults.  Again, they are learning that you are a human being. You have feelings. You have strong moments and you have weak moments. You are normalizing these things for them. You still think you’re sentencing them to a lifetime of therapy.

You’re not.

You’re not. You’re not. You’re not.

You have regrets. Most of those regrets don’t go away, and there’s many more stacked on your (already) long list. You eventually learn to forgive yourself, though. Once you learn to forgive yourself you are able to fully understand that wonderful job that you did as a mother. I’m telling you now so you don’t have to wait that long: You are doing a wonderful job as a mother. Give yourself credit. You will feel empowered when you finally acknowledge what you’ve accomplished, and the beautiful people you’ve raised. Allow yourself that amazing feeling NOW. It will make this time with your children that much sweeter.

what my future self has to say

 

There were bad times. Your children remember those.

Want to know something?

They remember the good times even better: the movie nights every Friday. The baking in the kitchen. The gardening. The adventures you went on. The walks to school. The bedtime hugs. The activities you drove them to. The sleepovers they had with friends. The marshmallow roasts. The shopping sprees. The birthday parties.

Above all, they remember the unconditional love you showed them. They knew how much you loved them then and they know it now. That’s all they needed then and that’s all they need now.

 

Guess what kind of people they have become.

Gentle, generous, compassionate, empathetic, caring people.

 

They remember you taking care of yourself. You sewing and crocheting. You taking off to yoga, or out with your friends. You reading a book or writing while they played at the park. You taking care of you so you could be the mother you desired to be.

Guess what kind of parents they have become?

They’re loving to their children. They have the utmost best intentions. They strive to do and be the absolute best for parents to your grandbabies.

They use YOU as their example.

 

I won’t tell you anymore. You have a long journey ahead of you, and you must figure the rest out on your own.

I’ll leave you with one thing to remember:

Love, mama.

Love those babies.

They truly won’t be small for long. Before you know it, you’re, well, 50 (with amazing breasts, don’t forget that!), and your “babies” are grown.

Love yourself.

You’re doing wonderfully. Believe that and remind yourself every single day.

Love always,

 

-Me

 

P.S. You’re going to need to find a better hiding spot for your wine and candy. They figure out it’s all in the laundry room pretty quick here.

 

 

breastfeeding social media

Breastfeeding tips and tricks from a saggy boobed pro

Last week I answered the door. It was the pizza man. He looked…uncomfortable. I thought maybe I smelled bad? Maybe I had spit up on my shoulder? I closed the door. I looked down. I realized why he looked so…uncomfortable. My boob was hanging out of my shirt because I forgot to put it away after my baby was done feeding and I answered the door. As I stood there thinking about what had just transpired I couldn’t believe it…he forgot to give me the dips!

 

Breastfeeding has been a challenging journey for me.

Some women have no problem and have Pamela Anderson looking jugs full of milk even before they’ve had their baby. Some women go through hours of torture to literally squeeze out one drop.

The latter was me.

I spent hours researching ways to make me produce more milk (and help me fill out a D-cup). Here’s what I came up with:

breastfeeding, nursing, milk production, fenugreek, blessed thistle

 

I did all of those things, plus skin-to-skin contact (get naked, Mama!), baby wearing, and got proper nourishment, including tons of water.

While all of these things worked well, nothing worked the way these lactation cookies did:

lactation cookie recipe, breastfeeding, breastmilk production

If you’re not feeling up to making cookies, simply add some brewers yeast to your smoothie. That’s the main ingredient that really helped me!

 

I mentioned breastfeeding wasn’t easy for me, right? It was a hard go right from the beginning. When I was told by a doctor that “not all women were meant to be cows” I nearly gave up. Instead I spent hours researching, days in discomfort (mastitis, thrush, engorgement, cracked and blistered nipples are no joke, friends), and months breastfeeding. So far, I breastfed for a total of 5 years and 8 months. My breasts may never be the same (in other words, they may never look like they don’t appear in a copy of “National Geographic”), but my choice to breastfeed was the best one that I could have made for myself and my babies.

 

I want to hear your breastfeeding journey! Comment below and share your story!

 

parenting from a to z

ABC’s of Parenting: The Younger Years

A-B-C; it’s easy as 1-2-3…except when it comes to parenting. From what I can tell (and I’ve done this 4 times) babies DON’T come with any sort of manual, so we have to figure this stuff out on our own.

 

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

 

A is for… “Asshole”. If you’ve ever had a toddler, you know exactly what I mean. If you don’t yet have a toddler, just wait.

B is for…Baby bump. You will experience no other feeling like growing a life in your belly. Cherish it. Enjoy it. You’ll miss it when it’s over.

Pregnant, modern day hippie mama, baby bump, high heels, baby clothes

Photo Courtesy of Sugarplum Snaps Photography

C is for…Coffee. At one time in your life food was imperative to have. Now, it is coffee.

D is for…Days are long, years are short. This time flies. Slow down and breathe it in.

E is for…Escape. Make sure you take time to YOURSELF. You need to recharge on a frequent basis. Follow the “Rules of Motherhood” to make sure you’re taking care of you.

ABC's of parenting; the younger years.

F is for… FED IS BEST!! Please, please, please don’t let people tell you how to feed your baby. Do what’s right for you and your little person, and that’s it!

G is for…Grandparents. You’ll never appreciate your parents more than when you have children of your own…and you can ship them off to Grandma and Grandpa’s for the night.

H is for… Hard. PARENTING IS SO HARD!! Give yourself credit. You’re doing great doing the hardest job of all!

I is for…”I love you”. Tell them a million times every single day.

J is for…Jumping without peeing. It won’t happen for quite some time, Mama, so you’d better get used to telling people you won’t do jumping jacks or jump on the trampoline because you have “bad knees”.

K is for…Keep It Simple! Kids don’t need as much stuff as we’ve been led to think.

L is for…Laughter. Believe me, your kids will do some pretty funny stuff. They’ll also do some pretty annoying stuff. Stay positive.

mdhm1

 

M is for…Mistakes. Oh man, the mistakes. They’re gonna be made…A LOT! You’re learning. Don’t beat yourself up. Part of parenting is making and owning mistakes. Apologize and carry on. Your kids will be just fine.

N is for…No money. The average child uses 4.3 rolls of toilet paper every day. That stuff ain’t cheap. You’re going to need to find some creative ways to get around the expense of kids!

O is for…Over. Life as you knew it will never be the same again. Bet you never thought you’d think a baby passing gas could be cute…?!

P is for…Post partum depression and anxiety. Know the signs. Educate your partner and family of the signs. Don’t be ashamed. Talk to your doctor if you suspect you have a case of the baby blues and get the help you need.

Q is for…Quiet. There will be little of it, and when there is it usually means they’re up to no good.

S is for….Sex. You may not have as much of it and when you do it’s going to be sooo much different.

T is for… Thinking for yourself. Studies change. Everyone has an opinion. You know what’s right for you and your littles and your instinct is probably right. Go with it.

U is for…Urine. When potty training, bring not one but 14 pairs of extra pants everywhere you go.

V is for…Videos. Don’t let anyone tell you that movies are bad for kids. Them watching movies gives you an opportunity to shower or do whatever it is you need to do to feel great again and not be rage-y Mom; thus, movies are good for kids!

W is for…Wine. Don’t drink alcohol? Drink grape juice out of a wine glass. It WILL help!

X is for…eXample. Your kids see everything and look up to you as their role model. Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey say “Aww, shit!!”, monkey say “Aww, shit!!”.

Y is for…Your partner. Don’t forget about her or him. It’s easy to become entirely consumed by these little people. Make sure you make time to make each other happy, too.

Z is for… Zzz’s. Deprived doesn’t even begin to describe the sleep you’ll lose. Sleep when baby sleeps (Just kidding…that’s when you get to pee by yourself!)

 

*Bonus*

S is for…SHARE! Please share this post! I is for…I will love you forever if you do!

 

a quiz to make your choice easier

Which wine should you drink tonight?

There is nothing worse than no wine, especially when you really want it. A day taking care of kids often ends in celebration or exasperation and you need to ensure that you’re prepared for all situations. This handy little quiz will help you determine your upcoming wine needs and make sure that EVERYONE (you) is happy:

 

 

1. This morning, you woke up:

a) Before the kids. You enjoyed some yoga and a hot cup of coffee by yourself.

b) Squished in the 8” allotment that all the kids (and the dog) have allowed for you in your bed.

c) Drenched in urine that’s not yours…

2. How much sleep did you get last night?

a) 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep

b) 8 hours, collectively.

c) Did you just say “sleep”? Don’t ever speak that word in my presence again.

3. You got the kids to school:

a) With lunches packed, teeth brushed, wearing clean clothes, and on time.

b) A few minutes late with breakfast in a bag.

c) Alive.

4.The state of your house can be described as:

a) Tidy and presentable.

b) Definitely “lived in” by kids (and a dog).

c) Shit. Storm.

5. Today you looked:

a) Like a hot mama! Your hair is done, you’re wearing pants with a button, and there are no stains on your clothes.

b) Like a hot mama! Yoga pants, a hoody, and no bodily fluids on your outfit. Well done!

c) Like a hot mama! Pajama pants, no bra, and dried cereal in your hair.

6. By 2 p.m. you had eaten:

a) Two healthy, balanced meals with ingredients from the local farmer’s market I stopped at after school drop off.

b) The scrapings off my toddler’s lunch plate and anything she said “NO” to (so, everything)

c) Remember that dried cereal in my hair?

7. Coffee is life-sustaining goodness. How many cups did you have today?

a)  Just 1. That was all I needed to get going this morning!

b) 2.5. I certainly was in need of a second jolt mid-afternoon.

c) I-I-I  t-t-think I-I-I l-l-lost t-t-track. A-a-are y-y-you g-g-guys s-s-shaking, t-t-too??

8. Your to-do list is a mile long. Today you accomplished:

a) Absolutely everything! Plus, I got an extra workout and a shower in!

b) A few of the more important things, like folding Mt. Massivepileoflaundry.

c) Crumpling said to-do list up and putting it in the pocket of my super skinny jeans where it will not be seen for a very long while.

9. For dinner, you’re planned:

a) Roast chicken with all the fixings and a pie for dessert.

b) Whatever special the local pizza joint was offering.

c) Damn it…I forgot I had to feed these people.

10. At bedtime, your kids:

a) Went down as soon as their heads hit their pillows. They’re so angelic when they sleep.

b) Only got 12 glasses of water after lights out, but eventually passed out.

c) Left you budgeting therapy for yourself in your monthly expenses.

 

Tally your scores and find out which wine you should choose tonight:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

mom needs a lot of wine

bear, happy wife happy life,divorce

Crimes Punishable By Divorce

Divorce is avoidable, if you follow these few guidelines.

I’m a pretty good partner, according to myself. I’m decently reasonable,  I don’t expect extravagant gifts, and obviously I put out (I have at least 4 times)!

I don’t ask for much in return for my awesomeness from that guy I live with. To make me happy all I need is for him to occasionally (you can decide what I mean by “occasionally”) bring me a glass of wine and tell me that  I’m pretty.  I assume that the following rules are common sense, but sometimes I need to remind him of these crimes punishable by divorce:

DO NOT PUT MY JEANS IN THE DRYER

It took me 45 minutes to squeeze into these jeans. I had to wear these jeans while not breathing for 6 hours before they were loose enough to look THIS good (see #6). The only reason I had to wash them before my usual 4  wear allotment was because I was peed on…twice.  Putting on clothes is enough of a task every day;  please don’t make it even more difficult for me.

WINE IS FOR DRINKING, NOT FOR COOKING

Wine. Wine.  Wine.

How I love thee.

Other than in a glass

Wine should not be.

I love when you make dinner. I appreciate that I don’t have to cook. However, using the last of my bottle of red in your pasta sauce is a big fat no no.

KEEP SLEEP RELATED COMMENTS TO YOURSELF

Take a good long look into my blood shot eyes and really consider if you want to comment on how well the baby slept last night. ONE baby slept well last night…and it wasn’t the cute one.

NEVER,EVER,EVER COMMENT ON THE QUALITY OF MEALS I’VE MADE

Blackened” is a thing now. I’m pretty sure the phrase was coined by a fellow mama who was tired of justifying her slightly overdone meals, but regardless, IT’S A THING.  So, I’m sorry your steak wasn’t marinated for 6 hours and slowly seared to a perfect medium tenderness, but I was kinda busy trying to clean our kid’s shit off the floor while screaming at the dog to stop  eating it. My advice: Eat your dinner with a smile slapped on your face, stuff your comments with your blackened meal, or that steak knife won’t be used to cut the meat on your plate:)

DO NOT COMMENT ON MY BODY

This amazing vessel housed and nourished our children. The sagging breasts and hanging belly ponch do not need acknowledgement unless they are being recognized for their incredible accomplishments and thanked profusely for their sacrifice. That’s all.

NEVER BUY CHOCOLATE WITH MORE THAN 55% COCOA

If I’m requesting chocolate it’s likely I NEED chocolate. Let me choose the antioxidant rich bar when I’m on a health kick, not when I’m an emotional mess that craves sugary sweetness.  Women have gotten off on charges due to pleads of insanity due to hormonal shifts. Do you know what prevents hormonal women from becoming dangerous? Milk chocolate.

DON’T WATCH OUR NETFLIX SHOWS WITHOUT ME

It isn’t our show if you watch it without me. You can say you wont’ give anything away but we both know you will. Either don’t watch without me or be prepared to re-watch the entire episode without saying a word.

DON’T EVER ASK “WHAT DID YOU DO ALL DAY?”

JUDGE: “Samantha, you are a mother to 4 children and a dog. You are being charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon [steak knife]. What do you have to say for yourself?”

ME: “Your honor…he asked “What did you do all day?”.

JUDGE (to that guy I live with): “Sir, you are being sentenced to 3 years in prison for sheer stupidity.”

 

Like I said before, it’s not difficult to keep me happy, which will in turn keep that guy I live with happy (trust me). Happy wife, happy life, right?? As long as he complies with those simple requests and abides by those few guidelines I foresee a happy, divorce-free relationship until our youngest turns 18.