7 simple ways to turn your wife on!

What once was the easy task to turn your wife on has now transformed to something you weren’t expecting before you had kids.

Prerequisites for having sex before you’ve had children:

  1. Not applicable

Prerequisites for having sex after you’ve had children:

  1. Children are asleep
  2. Both parties have showered
  3. Both parties have enough energy
  4. The house is clean
  5. Backpacks are packed for the next day
  6. The bedroom door is closed and locked
  7. No noise is made during the romp session

Everything changes after you’ve had kids. Your sex life is no exception. What once worked for you to turn your wife on may still do the trick, but you probably need to make a few modifications:

7 simple ways to turn your wife on

Talk dirty

Be dirty. Be gross. Be downright nasty.

She wants to hear every single detail of the filth you uncovered while you cleaned the bathroom so she didn’t have to. Tell her how you were on your knees scrubbing every corner. Let her know that you rubbed the shaft of that shower head until it was glowing.  She wants to hear about how you squirted the cleaner in the sink. Don’t leave her with any clean thoughts; only a clean bathroom.

Find her “G” Spot

Figure out a Go away spot for her to escape for a while. Encourage her to head to a yoga class, go for a massage at the spa, or have coffee with friends. Tell her to find something to do that’s just for her. She will be ohhh-ohhh-ohhhhhhhhhh so grateful you did.

Kiss her in all the right places

Kiss her ears? That’s ok…  Kiss the back of the neck? That’s nice…

Kiss her ass? You got it! Tell her how pretty she looks in her pajamas. Compliment her snack making abilities ( fishy crackers on a plate is more work than some care to acknowledge). Express what a wonderful job she’s doing as a mother. Let her know of all the wonderful things she’s doing.

Make sure you’re sincere. Any faking will be reciprocated later.

Make her a romantic dinner

Or just order pizza. Basically, anything that doesn’t involve HER cooking will excite her. Feel free set up candles and use the nice china (nice china=a plate that isn’t chipped), but don’t fuss too much about the food you’ll be eating at dinner. Think more about what you’re going to eat after dinner, you know, for dessert.

Buy her flowers

They may not be on the massively long list of food that needs to bought for the house, but you can find flowers at the grocery store when you go pick up groceries so she doesn’t have to battle the lines. Make sure that you buy all that’s on the list, but feel free to include a few extras such as chocolate, oysters, and strawberries.

Get her wet

You know it.

I know it.

She hasn’t bathed in a while.

Take the kids. Draw her a bath. Put away the pink rubber ducky (but leave the pink Rabbit).

Make sure to put the bath mat out for her before she gets in. You know how slippery things can get when they’re wet…you don’t want her falling!

Choose something comfortable for her to wear

Find something lacy, black, tight, and revealing.

Now, burn it.

Grab your brain and get the woman some yoga pants and her favourite hoody. If you’re lucky she’ll throw on that old nursing bra she has in the closet; you won’t have to undo the back but you’ll still have easy access.



There you have it. It really IS that easy to turn your wife on after she’s had kids.  All those extra things you once knew to get her “in the mood” pre-kids (glass of wine, massage, serenading) will still get her into bed…but she’ll be fast asleep before you can say “Honey, I showered.”


Flowers for a hot mama!


A letter to myself

A letter to me (from my future self)



Hey, girl! It’s me- your future self!

It’s me- your future self!

First of all, let me start by telling you—because I know it’s been on your mind–your boobs do bounce back, and you will age gracefully. At 50 you still tell people you’re 29, and they believe you. Well done!

Listen. I know what you’re going through right now.  The kids are little. You’re exhausted. You’re overwhelmed. You’re working your absolute hardest. You’re doing everything you can to make sure those kids are getting what they need, the house is getting cleaned, and that your partner is happy. You’re drained. You’re maxed out.

You’re drained. You’re maxed out.

You’re feeling like everything you’re doing is wrong.

It’s not.

It’s not. It’s not. It’s not.

Yep, you’re making mistakes. OF COURSE YOU’RE MAKING MISTAKES!!! You won’t stop making mistakes. Even when the kids are adults you’ll continue to mess up.

Guess what?

You AND your children learn from those mistakes. They help you grow. They contribute to the person you become. They allow those kids to see that you are a human being. If you were perfect all the time you wouldn’t be doing those little people any favors. They’ve grown up having a realistic idea of what the world is like: imperfect. Your mistakes have allowed them to understand that THEY are allowed to make mistakes. Your mistakes have given them the ability to understand their own mistakes, acknowledge them, and move on as better people.


You’re thinking you yell too much right now. That you cry too often in front of the kids. That you aren’t effectively disciplining the kids. That you let them watch too much t.v. and eat too much junk food. You feel guilt.

All of the above is true.

Do you know what?

They lived! What’s more, they lived AND they’re successful, well-adjusted adults.  Again, they are learning that you are a human being. You have feelings. You have strong moments and you have weak moments. You are normalizing these things for them. You still think you’re sentencing them to a lifetime of therapy.

You’re not.

You’re not. You’re not. You’re not.

You have regrets. Most of those regrets don’t go away, and there’s many more stacked on your (already) long list. You eventually learn to forgive yourself, though. Once you learn to forgive yourself you are able to fully understand that wonderful job that you did as a mother. I’m telling you now so you don’t have to wait that long: You are doing a wonderful job as a mother. Give yourself credit. You will feel empowered when you finally acknowledge what you’ve accomplished, and the beautiful people you’ve raised. Allow yourself that amazing feeling NOW. It will make this time with your children that much sweeter.

what my future self has to say


There were bad times. Your children remember those.

Want to know something?

They remember the good times even better: the movie nights every Friday. The baking in the kitchen. The gardening. The adventures you went on. The walks to school. The bedtime hugs. The activities you drove them to. The sleepovers they had with friends. The marshmallow roasts. The shopping sprees. The birthday parties.

Above all, they remember the unconditional love you showed them. They knew how much you loved them then and they know it now. That’s all they needed then and that’s all they need now.


Guess what kind of people they have become.

Gentle, generous, compassionate, empathetic, caring people.


They remember you taking care of yourself. You sewing and crocheting. You taking off to yoga, or out with your friends. You reading a book or writing while they played at the park. You taking care of you so you could be the mother you desired to be.

Guess what kind of parents they have become?

They’re loving to their children. They have the utmost best intentions. They strive to do and be the absolute best for parents to your grandbabies.

They use YOU as their example.


I won’t tell you anymore. You have a long journey ahead of you, and you must figure the rest out on your own.

I’ll leave you with one thing to remember:

Love, mama.

Love those babies.

They truly won’t be small for long. Before you know it, you’re, well, 50 (with amazing breasts, don’t forget that!), and your “babies” are grown.

Love yourself.

You’re doing wonderfully. Believe that and remind yourself every single day.

Love always,




P.S. You’re going to need to find a better hiding spot for your wine and candy. They figure out it’s all in the laundry room pretty quick here.



breastfeeding social media

Breastfeeding tips and tricks

You’re here for breastfeeding tips, but I need to share a quick story with you first:

Last week I answered the door. It was the pizza man. He looked…uncomfortable. I thought maybe I smelled bad? Maybe I had spit up on my shoulder? I closed the door. I looked down. I realized why he looked so…uncomfortable. My breast was hanging out of my shirt because I forgot to put it away after my baby was done feeding and I answered the door. As I stood there thinking about what had just transpired I couldn’t believe it…he forgot to give me the dips!


Breastfeeding has been a challenging journey for me.

Some women have no problem and have Pamela Anderson looking jugs full of milk even before they’ve had their baby. Some women go through hours of torture to literally squeeze out one drop.

The latter was me.

I spent hours researching ways to make me produce more milk (and help me fill out a D-cup). Here’s what I came up with:

Breastfeeding tips and tricks


Make sure you have a correct latch

This is the first breastfeeding tip and is the most crucial when you’re establishing breastfeeding and your milk supply. You want baby’s mouth to be covering your areola, not just your nipple. Jack Newman is my go-to guy when trying to help a client establish their latch and was my best friend when trying to establish mine (even the fourth go-round was a doozy for me- this is not always the easiest thing to do so try not to get discouraged if you don’t get it on your first few tries).

If you’re still having a hard time establishing an effective latch do make sure to go to your local public health unit or call a Lactation Consultant. They can offer you a wealth of information and a little more of a hands-on approach when it comes to getting that latch down pat.

Keep only one eye on the clock

It’s easy to get caught up in the “feed baby every _____ hours”, but it’s not quite that simple. The more you nurse the more milk you’re going to produce. If baby is showing cues of being hungry don’t deny them milk just because you’re not quite at the hour mark. That said, f you’re trying to establish your milk supply and baby is sleeping beyond those every couple of hours it’s fair to wake them up for a feed.

Try galactagogues

Not only is it a fun word to say, but some of them are very effective. The main ones are Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle but there are products out there that contain more herbs and are specific to breastfeeding. Check out your local health food store and chat with your midwife or doctor to see what they recommend.

The cookie recipe below containing Brewer’s Yeast was the galactagogue that worked best for me! This is by far my favourite breastfeeding tip as it is the most delicious!

lactation cookie recipe, breastfeeding, breastmilk production

**If you’re not feeling up to making cookies, simply add some brewers yeast to your smoothie. That’s the main ingredient that really helped me!

Skin to skin

Take off your shirt as much as possible. Get baby naked as much as possible. If you’re struggling to stay put in bed or on the couch throw the baby wrap on and put a naked (maybe leave the diaper on) baby inside. Voila! Portable skin to skin.


Or, better yet, have someone take care of you. Your postpartum doula or partner should be making sure that you are getting plenty of rest, sleeping as much as possible, eating nutritious foods, and drinking loads of water. Making sure that you’re hydrated is a major component of keeping your body healthy while you’re breastfeeding. Your baby is literally sucking the life out of you so it’s important to keep it restored at all times. While this is one of the most important breastfeeding tips it’s also the one that most folks struggle with the most.


I mentioned breastfeeding wasn’t easy for me, right? It was a hard go right from the beginning. When I was told by a doctor that “not all women were meant to be cows” I nearly gave up. Instead, I spent hours researching breastfeeding tips, spent days in discomfort (mastitis, thrush, engorgement, cracked and blistered nipples are no joke, friends), and months breastfeeding. I ended up breastfeeding for a total of 6 years. My breasts may never be the same (in other words, they may never look like they don’t appear in a copy of “National Geographic”), but my choice to breastfeed was the best one that I could have made for myself and my babies.


I want to hear your breastfeeding journey! Comment below and share your story!


parenting from a to z

The truth about what being a parent is like

A-B-C; it’s easy as 1-2-3…except when it comes to being a parent. From what I can tell (and I’ve done this 4 times) babies DON’T come with any sort of manual, so we have to figure this stuff out on our own.


Here’s what I’ve learned so far:


A is for… “Asshole”. If you’ve ever had a toddler, you know exactly what I mean. If you don’t yet have a toddler, just wait.

B is for…Baby bump. You will experience no other feeling like growing a life in your belly. Cherish it. Enjoy it. You’ll miss it when it’s over.

Pregnant, modern day hippie mama, baby bump, high heels, baby clothes

Photo Courtesy of Sugarplum Snaps Photography

C is for…Coffee. At one time in your life food was imperative to have. Now, it is coffee.

D is for…Days are long, years are short. This time flies. Slow down and breathe it in.

E is for…Escape. Make sure you take time to YOURSELF. You need to recharge on a frequent basis. Follow the “Rules of Motherhood” to make sure you’re taking care of you. This is a major requirement of being a parent to the best of your ability.

ABC's of parenting; the younger years.

F is for… FED IS BEST!! Please, please, please don’t let people tell you how to feed your baby. Do what’s right for you and your little person, and that’s it!

G is for…Grandparents. You’ll never appreciate your parents more than when you have children of your own…and you can ship them off to Grandma and Grandpa’s for the night.

H is for… Hard. BEING A PARENT IS SO HARD!! Give yourself credit. You’re doing great doing the hardest job of all!

I is for…”I love you”. Tell them a million times every single day.

J is for…Jumping without peeing. It won’t happen for quite some time, Mama, so you’d better get used to telling people you won’t do jumping jacks or jump on the trampoline because you have “bad knees”.

K is for…Keep It Simple! Kids don’t need as much stuff as we’ve been led to think.

L is for…Laughter. Believe me, your kids will do some pretty funny stuff. They’ll also do some pretty annoying stuff. Stay positive.



M is for…Mistakes. Oh man, the mistakes. They’re gonna be made…A LOT! You’re learning. Don’t beat yourself up. Part of being a parent is making and owning mistakes. Apologize and carry on. Your kids will be just fine.

N is for…No money. The average child uses 4.3 rolls of toilet paper every day. That stuff ain’t cheap. You’re going to need to find some creative ways to get around the expense of kids!

O is for…Over. Life as you knew it will never be the same again. Bet you never thought you’d think a baby passing gas could be cute…?!

P is for…Post partum depression and anxiety. Know the signs. Educate your partner and family of the signs. Don’t be ashamed. Talk to your doctor if you suspect you have a case of the baby blues and get the help you need.

Q is for…Quiet. There will be little of it, and when there is it usually means they’re up to no good.

S is for….Sex. You may not have as much of it and when you do it’s going to be sooo much different.

T is for… Thinking for yourself. Studies change. Everyone has an opinion. You know what’s right for you and your littles and your instinct is probably right. Go with it.

U is for…Urine. When potty training, bring not one but 14 pairs of extra pants everywhere you go.

V is for…Videos. Don’t let anyone tell you that movies are bad for kids. Them watching movies gives you an opportunity to shower or do whatever it is you need to do to feel great again and not be rage-y Mom; thus, movies are good for kids!

W is for…Wine. Don’t drink alcohol? Drink grape juice out of a wine glass. It WILL help!

X is for…eXample. Your kids see everything and look up to you as their role model. Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey say “Aww, shit!!”, monkey say “Aww, shit!!”.

Y is for…Your partner. Don’t forget about her or him. It’s easy to become entirely consumed by these little people. Make sure you make time to make each other happy, too.

Z is for… Zzz’s. Deprived doesn’t even begin to describe the sleep you’ll lose. Sleep when baby sleeps (Just kidding…that’s when you get to pee by yourself!)



S is for…SHARE! Please share this post! I is for…I will love you forever if you do!


rules of motherhood

How to be a good Mom

In my time as a mother I have done a lot of learning. Some of the lessons have come easily, while some have taken a little more  time to understand.  Of all the things I have learned over time, these are the ones that have resonated with me and have helped me be a good mom:

*Make-up can help you look less tired.

*You will forget all the chaos and frustrations of the day when you look at your sleeping children.

*Your best is good enough. Your love is all they really need.

*Wine helps.

*Swearing doesn’t make you a bad mother.

*Taking a break from your children doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It just means you love yourself, too.

It’s the one we all seem to have difficulty with, yet it is the most important thing to remember to make sure we can be a good mom.

As mothers, we give. We give our bodies, minds, and souls to our children. We do everything in our power to make sure that they are physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy,  that they’re educated, rested, and experiencing opportunities to find themselves so they can develop their unique personalities. We sacrifice things we want and need so that they can have what they want and need. Our desires get pushed to the backburner. We lose ourselves in the world of motherhood by giving 100% of ourselves to our children, and we seem to forget that there is still “you” underneath our identity as a mother.

We love our children. This is evident in the way in which we treat them. When was the last time you gave yourself the same treatment?

How to be a good mom

Mama, you need to take care of your body. Sure, cleaning the house and carrying children keeps you moving, but you need to elevate that heart rate. Do cardio. Do yoga.  Eat proper, healthy meals. You wouldn’t let your children skip lunch so they could tidy the house, and they would certainly never be allowed to fill the void in their bellies with a third cup of coffee. Sleep. Shower. Paint your nails.

Do you wonder how to be a good mom? You keep trying to do more for your children but never feel like you're doing enough. What if you gave this a try?

Mama, you need to take care of your mind. Read. Write in a journal. Meditate. Allow yourself the quiet time you need to be able to accomplish this. Send the kids outside or to watch a movie. Ignore the mess. Put on your favourite song and let go. Sing. Dance. Do a crossword. Learn how to make kombucha. Create.

Mama. Your soul. Take care of your soul.  Do whatever it is that brings you joy. Knit. Climb mountains. Volunteer. Think about the things that make up “you” other than being a mother, and embrace them. Don’t let them fall into the abyss of the chaos of life. When your children are less dependent on your care you will be able to regain your individualism. Don’t let that be a struggle. Maintain your relationship with “you” so “you” can flourish when the opportunity arises. Thank yourself. Tell yourself what a great job you’re doing. Buy yourself flowers.

Mama, you MUST do this.

So many of us are running on an empty tank, or even on fumes. It doesn’t take long for that tank to become depleted. You need fuel. Premium fuel. Taking good care of your children requires you to have energy, imagination, and patience. You simply cannot accomplish this if you, yourself is not filled up.

Motherhood involves teaching your children by example. Your children are aware of what you are doing for them. They are aware of the countless hours you put into ensuring they are cared for. They’re also aware of the bags under your eyes and the exhaustion in your voice. You are teaching them the importance of taking care of others. Give them the opportunity to understand the importance of taking care of themselves, as well.  Taking good care of your children begins with taking good care of yourself.

Mama, you are amazing.

You love your children.

Don’t forget to love yourself, too…it’s the best way that you can be a good mom.


parenting articles you'll want to read

Parenting articles you’ll WANT to read!

We’ve all encountered parenting articles.

They’re on social media, on the news, in magazines and the newspaper:

“THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO PARENT” articles, written by Dr. Iknoweverythingaboutkidsbutdontactuallyhaveany.

They are filled with “current and updated” information that contradicts everything you currently do as a parent and make you feel like the shittiest parent on earth.

I used to read these parenting articles until one day I clicked on a link to the “50 things NEVER to say to your child”.  By the time I reached #38 I realized I had said every single one of those things at some point or another. I then proceeded to spend the next 2 weeks feeling guilty over the inevitable irreversible damage that I’d done to my children’s psyches.

I now avoid these articles like they’re alcohol-free playdates. Instead, I focus on my attention looking for things that empower me and affirm my fantastic parenting skills.

Parenting articles you want to read!

There are some parenting articles that aren't worth your while. These are not those parenting articles! You're going to want to read these!


From stainless “coffee mugs” to a flask in your nursing bra that you’ve been wearing since you stopped breastfeeding 4 years ago. As long as you can maintain a consistent, healthy buzz and not slur your profanities no one will ever think booze is your preferred method of keeping your shit together.


Forgetting threatening and fighting with them. All you need to do is bribe them with bacon and a little candy!


Surefire ways to spot these bitches before they make it within a 1-kilometer radius of you and your little angels. You know, the ones you’re currently screaming at while feeding them fast food and non-organic powdered sugar doughnuts while they sit in front of the t.v. watching “Orange is the New Black” for the sixth hour in a row.


Life’s full of tough decisions. This handy quiz will help with those extra challenging choices.


A list of Mom-approved spots that your little mooches wouldn’t even think to look, like the cleaning supply drawer or anywhere near the washing machine. *Bonus–these spots are also husband proof!


Telling Judgy McJudgy Face to “fuck off” while slapping a nice big smile on your face is no longer your only option!


Rekindling a faded sex life has never been easier than now! Following these simple tips could lead to THREE sexy encounters, which is double what you got last month! If you’re lucky you may even get to give some sexy parent specific sex positions a try!


Parenting articles like these are hard to find. Please join me at the park so we can scour the internet for them on our phones and ignore our children while they play.