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There is nothing worse than no wine, especially when you really want it. A day taking care of kids often ends in celebration or exasperation and you need to ensure that you’re prepared for all situations. This handy little quiz will help you determine your upcoming wine needs and make sure that EVERYONE (you) is happy:

1. This morning, you woke up:

a) Before the kids. You enjoyed some yoga and a hot cup of coffee by yourself.

b) Squished in the 8” allotment that all the kids (and the dog) have allowed for you in your bed.

c) Drenched in urine that’s not yours…

2. How much sleep did you get last night?

a) 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep

b) 8 hours, collectively.

c) Did you just say “sleep”? Don’t ever speak that word in my presence again.

3. You got the kids to school:

a) With lunches packed, teeth brushed, wearing clean clothes, and on time.

b) A few minutes late with breakfast in a bag.

c) Alive.

4.The state of your house can be described as:

a) Tidy and presentable.

b) Definitely “lived in” by kids (and a dog).

c) Shit. Storm.

5. Today you looked:

a) Like a hot mama! Your hair is done, you’re wearing pants with a button, and there are no stains on your clothes.

b) Like a hot mama! Yoga pants, a hoody, and no bodily fluids on your outfit. Well done!

c) Like a hot mama! Pajama pants, no bra, and dried cereal in your hair.

6. By 2 p.m. you had eaten:

a) Two healthy, balanced meals with ingredients from the local farmer’s market I stopped at after school drop off.

b) The scrapings off my toddler’s lunch plate and anything she said “NO” to (so, everything)

c) Remember that dried cereal in my hair?

7. Coffee is life-sustaining goodness. How many cups did you have today?

a)  Just 1. That was all I needed to get going this morning!

b) 2.5. I certainly was in need of a second jolt mid-afternoon.

c) I-I-I  t-t-think I-I-I l-l-lost t-t-track. A-a-are y-y-you g-g-guys s-s-shaking, t-t-too??

8. Your to-do list is a mile long. Today you accomplished:

a) Absolutely everything! Plus, I got an extra workout and a shower in!

b) A few of the more important things, like folding Mt. Massivepileoflaundry.

c) Crumpling said to-do list up and putting it in the pocket of my super skinny jeans where it will not be seen for a very long while.

9. For dinner, you’re planned:

a) Roast chicken with all the fixings and a pie for dessert.

b) Whatever special the local pizza joint was offering.

c) Damn it…I forgot I had to feed these people.

10. At bedtime, your kids:

a) Went down as soon as their heads hit their pillows. They’re so angelic when they sleep.

b) Only got 12 glasses of water after lights out, but eventually passed out.

c) Left you budgeting therapy for yourself in your monthly expenses.

Tally your scores and find out which wine you should choose tonight:

Divorce is avoidable, if you follow these few guidelines.

I’m a pretty good partner, according to myself. I’m decently reasonable,  I don’t expect extravagant gifts, and obviously I put out (I have at least 4 times)!

I don’t ask for much in return for my awesomeness from that guy I live with. To make me happy all I need is for him to occasionally (you can decide what I mean by “occasionally”) bring me a glass of wine and tell me that  I’m pretty.  I assume that the following rules are common sense, but sometimes I need to remind him of these crimes punishable by divorce:

DO NOT PUT MY JEANS IN THE DRYER

It took me 45 minutes to squeeze into these jeans. I had to wear these jeans while not breathing for 6 hours before they were loose enough to look THIS good (see #6). The only reason I had to wash them before my usual 4  wear allotment was because I was peed on…twice.  Putting on clothes is enough of a task every day;  please don’t make it even more difficult for me.

WINE IS FOR DRINKING, NOT FOR COOKING

Wine. Wine.  Wine.

How I love thee.

Other than in a glass

Wine should not be.

I love when you make dinner. I appreciate that I don’t have to cook. However, using the last of my bottle of red in your pasta sauce is a big fat no no.

KEEP SLEEP RELATED COMMENTS TO YOURSELF

Take a good long look into my blood shot eyes and really consider if you want to comment on how well the baby slept last night. ONE baby slept well last night…and it wasn’t the cute one.

NEVER,EVER,EVER COMMENT ON THE QUALITY OF MEALS I’VE MADE

Blackened” is a thing now. I’m pretty sure the phrase was coined by a fellow mama who was tired of justifying her slightly overdone meals, but regardless, IT’S A THING.  So, I’m sorry your steak wasn’t marinated for 6 hours and slowly seared to a perfect medium tenderness, but I was kinda busy trying to clean our kid’s shit off the floor while screaming at the dog to stop  eating it. My advice: Eat your dinner with a smile slapped on your face, stuff your comments with your blackened meal, or that steak knife won’t be used to cut the meat on your plate:)

DO NOT COMMENT ON MY BODY

This amazing vessel housed and nourished our children. The sagging breasts and hanging belly ponch do not need acknowledgement unless they are being recognized for their incredible accomplishments and thanked profusely for their sacrifice. That’s all.

NEVER BUY CHOCOLATE WITH MORE THAN 55% COCOA

If I’m requesting chocolate it’s likely I NEED chocolate. Let me choose the antioxidant rich bar when I’m on a health kick, not when I’m an emotional mess that craves sugary sweetness.  Women have gotten off on charges due to pleads of insanity due to hormonal shifts. Do you know what prevents hormonal women from becoming dangerous? Milk chocolate.

DON’T WATCH OUR NETFLIX SHOWS WITHOUT ME

It isn’t our show if you watch it without me. You can say you wont’ give anything away but we both know you will. Either don’t watch without me or be prepared to re-watch the entire episode without saying a word.

DON’T EVER ASK “WHAT DID YOU DO ALL DAY?”

JUDGE: “Samantha, you are a mother to 4 children and a dog. You are being charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon [steak knife]. What do you have to say for yourself?”

ME: “Your honor…he asked “What did you do all day?”.

JUDGE (to that guy I live with): “Sir, you are being sentenced to 3 years in prison for sheer stupidity.”

Like I said before, it’s not difficult to keep me happy, which will in turn keep that guy I live with happy (trust me). Happy wife, happy life, right?? As long as he complies with those simple requests and abides by those few guidelines I foresee a happy, divorce-free relationship until our youngest turns 18.

In my time as a mother I have done a lot of learning. Some of the lessons have come easily, while some have taken a little more  time to understand.  Of all the things I have learned over time, these are the ones that have resonated with me and have become my rules of Motherhood:

*Make-up can help you look less tired.

*You will forget all the chaos and frustrations of the day when you look at your sleeping children.

*Your best is good enough. Your love is all they really need.

*Wine helps.

*Swearing doesn’t make you a bad mother.

*Taking a break from your children doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It just means you love yourself, too.

That last point.

It’s the one we all seem to have difficulty with, yet it is the most important thing to remember to make sure we can do our job well.

As mothers, we give. We give our bodies, minds, and souls to our children. We do everything in our power to make sure that they are physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy,  that they’re educated, rested, and experiencing opportunities to find themselves so they can develop their unique personalities. We sacrifice things we want and need so that they can have what they want and need. Our desires get pushed to the backburner. We lose ourselves in the world of motherhood by giving 100% of ourselves to our children, and we seem to forget that there is still “you” underneath our identity as a mother.

We love our children. This is evident in the way in which we treat them. When was the last time you gave yourself the same treatment?

Rules of Motherhood

Mama, you need to take care of your body. Sure, cleaning the house and carrying children keeps you moving, but you need to elevate that heart rate. Do cardio. Do yoga.  Eat proper, healthy meals. You wouldn’t let your children skip lunch so they could tidy the house, and they would certainly never be allowed to fill the void in their bellies with a third cup of coffee. Sleep. Shower. Paint your nails.

Mama, you need to take care of your mind. Read . Write in a journal. Meditate. Allow yourself the quiet time you need to be able to accomplish this. Send the kids outside or to watch a movie. Ignore the mess. Put on your favorite song and let go. Sing. Dance. Do a crossword. Learn how to make kombucha. Create.

Mama. Your soul. Take care of your soul.  Do whatever it is that brings you joy. Knit. Climb mountains. Volunteer. Think about the things that make up “you” other than being a mother, and embrace them. Don’t let them fall into the abyss of the chaos of life. When your children are less dependent on your care you will be able to regain your individualism. Don’t let that be a struggle. Maintain your relationship with “you” so “you” can flourish when the opportunity arises. Thank yourself. Tell yourself what a great job you’re doing. Buy yourself flowers.

Mama, you MUST do this.

So many of us are running on an empty tank, or even on fumes. It doesn’t take long for that tank to become depleted. You need fuel. Premium fuel. Taking good care of your children requires you to have energy, imagination, and patience. You simply cannot accomplish this if you, yourself is not filled up.

Motherhood involves teaching your children by example. Your children are aware of what you are doing for them. They are aware of the countless hours you put into ensuring they are cared for. They’re also aware of the bags under your eyes and the exhaustion in your voice. You are teaching them the importance of taking care of others. Give them the opportunity to understand the importance of taking care of themselves, as well.  Taking good care of your children begins with taking good care of yourself.

Mama, you are amazing.

You love your children.

Don’t forget to love yourself, too.

Most Some of the time I’m pretty good decent-ish at censoring myself in front of my children. Try as I may, there’s the occasional time or five I slip up when I enter Adultland and speak to another human being over the age of 9:

“Did you hear about that man who had his penis bitten by a snake that came over the toilet?”

Thank God I don’t have boys or I could have been dealing with some major bathroom phobias. Lucky for me it merely triggered a conversation about penile reconstructive surgery, which led to a conversation about transgender folks, which led to a conversation about sexual orientation, which led to a conversation about acceptance and non-judgement.

“I only needed 3 stitches!”

When it comes to childbirth my kids are pretty educated. They know proper anatomical terms, the stages of labor, and that most women poop while birthing. When my 3 year old heard me say I had stiches, but couldn’t see any marks on my body I knew I had some ‘splaining to do. The look on her face when I explained perineum tearing made me realize that if I ever want grandchildren I should probably keep some parts of childbirth unspoken.

“She looked like a hooker…”

KIDS: “What does a hooker look like?”

ME: “Well….Ummmm…I dunno…lots of make up, tight shirts, short skirts. They usually look really done up.”

KIDS (looking at me up and down): “You DEFINITELY don’t look like a hooker then…

“We should do ___________”

Any verbal outpouring of thought is considered to be gospel by these people. Before I’ve explained that it was a mere thought they’re upstairs packing their bags for the weekend getaway that “Mom said we were going on”.  Unfortunately, this only applies to kid-approved activities; We should clean your room” is not picked up by their radar.

“Mommy has her period.”

Ok. This is less of a thing I’ve said in front of my kids, but rather TO my kids. They’re learning that “Mommy has her period” actually means: “STAY OUT OF MY WAY AND DON’T ASK ME TO SHARE MY CHOCOLATE.”.

They’re slowing getting it…

To avoid misinterpretation I always make sure to clarify what I’ve said so their active imaginations don’t go too wild. I also explain to them that they are never to repeat anything Mommy says outside of the house…it’s better for everyone  that way.

Mothering is a tough bitch.

Some of us are having a hard time.  Some of us feel like we’re going to lose our minds on a daily hourly basis. Some of us try so damn hard day in and day out, yet still feel endless guilt about the way we dealt with our 2-year-old’s tantrum over not being able to eat all the cookies in the box (calling her an asshole behind her back wasn’t the best strategy but it sure made us feel good). Some of us have a hard time trying to maintain composure when we’re at our wits end. Some of us have a hard time keeping up with basic hygiene, let alone get ourselves looking put together every day. Some of us are doing the best job that we can do.

Some of you don’t seem to have this problem. Some of you seem to know exactly how to handle every situation. Some of your children never seem to misbehave. Some of you can seem to manage your children while keeping a perfect house. Some of you never seem to have any challenges. Some of you never seem to make mistakes. Some of you seem to be 100% perfect.

Some of you don’t seem to know how to keep opinions about some of our parenting to yourselves…

Guess what?

Some of US don’t want to hear it.

Mothering is exhausting. We are tirelessly trying to find out what works best for our children and our family. No matter what we decide to do, it’s wrong according to someone, and it’s extremely challenging to come to any sort of conclusion. That’s why, when we do finally reach a decision, it’s SO ANNOYING to receive unsolicited advice from some of you.

It’s not hard to get out of the “Some Of You” club. All you have to do is follow this one simple rule: Keep It To Yourself (K.I.T.Y). Seriously, unless you’re asked for your opinion it’s probably not necessary to give it. Unless you’re commending us on our attempts to be good parents or expressing solidarity during these tricky times…SOME OF US DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.

Children are a powerful force. We will never be able to conserve enough energy to properly raise them to the best of our abilities if we are wasting our time and strength working against one another. If we help boost each other’s confidence rather than deflate it we WILL help give each other the tools to create a more productive generation. We have a choice. Do we choose to show empathy with a smile to another Mom who just yelled at her her screaming toddler because it’s probably her fifth fight of the morning and they’re both exhausted? Do we show nurturing by offering a seat to a Mom who needs to give their baby a bottle because it’s none of our business how anyone chooses to feed their child?  Or are we judgemental with dirty looks and off-hand remarks towards the Mom who is on her phone while her kids play at the park regardless of what she’s looking at?

We can choose to be divided or we can choose to be unified.

We should be in this together. We HAVE to be in this together. Motherhood needs Sisterhood.

It won’t take much to keep the peace. Simply relax, have a glass of wine (because you deserve it, Mama) and  if you don’t have anything nice to say: K.I.T.Y.

It generally doesn’t take much to become a parent.

There’s no formal education necessary, no required skills, and no application process.

Imagine, though, if there was. Here’s what the top applicant would look like:

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Name: Mama, Mommy, Ma, Hey You, MOOOOOOOM…just not ma’am. Never call me ma’am (it makes me feel old).

Age: 29….forever.

Address: No idea. I’ve never seen outside the laundry room.

Credentials:

-PhD in Reverse Psychology

-Bathroom Kit First Aid certified

Relevant Work Experience:

-Poop Scooper at the zoo

-Negotiator in hospital Psychiatric Ward

-Custodian at LegoLand

-Chef at “Nobody’s Gonna Eat This Anyway” restaurant

-Chauffeur for drunken fraternity

Relevant Skills and Strengths:

-Strong ability to dismiss irritating, repetitive noise

-Hold daytime liquor well (I almost never slur)

-Comprehensive knowledge of suitable profanity for any given situation

-Zero modesty; I can pee in front of an audience

Availability:

24/7/365. I also function on limited sleep, can eat standing up, and hold my urine for hours (unless I sneeze), so few breaks are necessary.

Desired Pay:

Loving hugs and kisses are all I need.

Just kidding.

I’ll accept wine.

Personal References:

Ahriya: CEO of Energysucker inc.

Talia: President of the Association of Tiny Dictators

Kaia: Facilitator of Attituders Annonymous

Nevaeh: Professor of Moody Preteens 101 at Mom’s-In-For-It University

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Oh snap. I think this bitch is hired!!