You think you’ve got it this time. You see the door and you’re sure you can make it. You carefully maneuver yourself-slowly and cautiously with legs tightly, yet inconspicuously together-to your destination. Suddenly, something stops you in your tracks. You’ve felt this before and you know the outcome can be tragic. You cross your legs in a very obvious fashion now and wait for the urge to pass.
That’s the sound you make when you sneeze and pee a little.
At home it ain’t no thang. You ignore the confused look from your potty training two-year-old who just got that “we pee in the potty and not in our pants, please” and proceed to search for a clean pair of granny panties and yoga tights to put on.
Things are a little different when you’re in public and the dangerous combination of having to pee and having to sneeze presents itself, reminding you of the awkward phase in your life where you’re too old for baby diapers and too young for adult diapers.
You have a few options for what to do with your soiled self when you’re in public:
Lady, your body did a bad-ass, but literally mother fucking thing. Your bladder was trampled on and likely destroyed by that small person that lived inside of you for 9 million months, and it won’t ever be the same again despite all the kegels you do.
Stretch marks are a badge of honor for some child-bearing women. Why can’t a little puddle of pee on occasion hold the same sentiment?
Pretend you’re in labor
Chances are you have a bit of residual baby belly-because that shit lasts a lifetime. If not, quickly grab a sweater under your shirt and grab your belly in a maternal way accompanied by an expression of surprise from your water just breaking. Play the irrational labouring woman to your advantage and insist you need expensive chocolate to calm your contractions just enough for you to get to the car and drive yourself to the hospital, thank you very much.
Stage an accident
Oh no! Your water bottle was faulty and spilled water all down your front when you went to take a drink!
*Please note: this is only a reasonable option if you have actual water in your water bottle. We don’t need to reveal any secrets now, do we?!
Find Adam Sandler
“You’re not cool unless you pee your pants”-Billy Madison.
Remember that movie? When Adam Sandler plays Billy Madison and splashes water on his crotch to show solidarity to a peer who peed his pants and was being ridiculed by the other kids?
Chances are you’re not actually going to find Adam Sandler in the middle of a Costco diaper section, but you might find someone who’s got your back. Catch the gaze of a fellow Mama. She’s probably dealt with this situation. She may not engage in an act of solidarity quite like Billy Madison did, but she may offer some empathetic assistance and you may find yourself a bestie!
You always have the option to wrap your sweater around your waist or put some shopping bags in front of unfortunate incident, Truly, though, the alternatives above seem like a fun way to lighten up the situation a bit.
In order to prevent these little incidents try making sure you don’t get to a point where you really have to go. You know how you tell your kids that holding in your pee is really bad for you and they shouldn’t do it? NEITHER SHOULD YOU! Take those few moments to relieve yourself. If you don’t, urine trouble.