This is a post about sex positions. It’s inappropriate. If you don’t like inappropriate stuff, please try and refrain from reading this article.
Sex used to be so simple. Remember when you could flash your big beautiful “fuck me” eyes to your partner anytime, anywhere? You’d commit to hours of uninterrupted, and carefree exploration of each other’s bodies. You saw each other, and each other only. The moments were entirely your own.
Then you had kids.
That’s when it all changed.
Your time is limited and your chances are few. You’re working around schedules, fatigue, and the physical results of pregnancy. You pray to your gods and goddesses that the kids will be somewhat sedated from their 4 bites of dinner that they’ll sleep for a little while, while you bowchickawowow with your partner.
From a new version of foreplay, to “parent-approved” sex positions, to being lucky enough to have time to cuddle after your intimate interaction, you’ve learned to adapt to a whole new world of sex.
Best sex positions for parents
Shut the front door
Or the bedroom door, the bathroom door, or whatever door you’re up against.
You watched your 6 year old pick the lock to her sister’s room earlier today. You’ll get more peace of mind knowing that you’re keeping the door closed and won’t have any special vistors.
(Oral is the new birth control)
You’re happy. Your partner is happy. Nobody is pregnant.
Those “fuck me” eyes become “fuck you” eyes when you’ve encountered your most recent battle about who’s going to change the diaper this time. That’s no reason to let perfectly good, child-free time go to waste! Besides, who doesn’t want the benefits of masturbating?
You’re exhausted. You’ve spent time catering to a tiny person’s needs all day long. The last thing you want to do is cater to an adult person’s needs now. Get your lazy on without sacrificing your need to get your freak on!
This position is perfect: you can both face the door during your high-alert romp session. When (not if-you took too long and the kids woke up) you get walked in on you get to pretend like you were just cuddling!
The kids are at their grandparents
This is your chance. Finally flick those frickin’ lights on. It’s time for a balls out, no holds barred, just-like-when-we-didn’t-have-kids sex!
Don’t wake the kids
You’ve got a brief moment of opportunity here. You just spent an hour getting the kids to bed and the thought of waking them up is killing your mojo a bit. Ensure you’re as quiet as possible while getting as close as possible to your partner. In an hour or two you’ll have anywhere between one to four children in your bed with you. Enjoy your embrace now!
Raising kids is exxxxxxxxxxxpensive!!! Clearly, it’s within your best interest to conserve as much water as possible, you know, to save money on bills. The best way to do this is for you and your partner to team up on your shower usage. Keep the water temperature set to cool and heat it up yourselves to maximize your savings!
As hardworking parents it’s hard to find time for each other. It’s SO important that you do, though. Your relationship will be stronger and you’ll be able to take on parenthood together so much better!
Trust me, you’ll be Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh so grateful you do;)