Moms are rad.
No. Sorry, that didn’t come out right.
Moms are magnificently, superbly, amazingly, remarkable, incredibly, stupendously, unbelievably rad.
You already knew that, so today I’m here to tell you about something that will absolutely blow your mind. Mom’s are so much more than magnificently, superbly, amazingly, remarkable, incredibly, stupendously, unbelievably rad. They’re also superhuman. You may not believe me right away, but here’s a few instances that will make you change your mind:
Have you ever seen a woman carrying a car seat with a baby in it? How about a woman spending countless hours with a toddler strapped to her back? Then there’s the whole “growing a baby inside of her body and giving birth” thing. Ya, I know that it may be natural, but I can tell you from experience that it certainly doesn’t feel natural.
Moms tend to get pretty shredded from all the packing around she does. If you ask her nicely she may take you to the show…the gun show.
Superhuman driving abilities
Watch a mom drive. She can do a 3-point-turn, while holding her third cup of coffee for the day in one hand, while watching to see who instigates the fight in the back seat, while singing along to the Moana soundtrack, while creating a mental list of the million things she has to do today. Let’s be honest here: most folks have a hard time with just the 3-point-turn part of this!
Do you know what makes the average person go crazy? Taking care of a being that shits wherever they see fit, insists “I DO IT” for everything, and being a slave to their every need (or demand…whatever you wanna go with) all while living in a house that can never get clean. Moms would gladly take that trip to the asylum for a few moments of peace but realistically she has too much to do. Don’t worry about keeping an eye on her to see if she’ll snap or not. No matter how many times she’s asked for a snack or how many snotty noses get wiped on her she’s going to keep herself together…in public, at least.
Superhuman caloric needs
There are 200 calories in the leftover soggy cereal that the toddler didn’t eat, 180 calories in the handful of trailmix that was left in the car, 25 calories in the cup of cold coffee (so x4 that equals 100), 84 calories in the glass(?) of red wine she has while making dinner, and 550 calories in the dinner she scarfs down before everyone else decides they’re done and dinner is over. That leaves Mom with 1184 calories (give or take 84 or 168). Somehow this woman is able to accomplish everything in her day with fewer calories than the dog gets in.
Her partner thinks that the baby “slept great” last night and that the toddler wasn’t up even once. What the actual hell? Mom knows that the baby, in fact, did not sleep great last night and that the toddler was indeed up five times. Regardless of the 4 hours of collective sleep she got, Mom is still up at the crack of dawn to get in those 3 cups of coffee before the chaos of the morning hits. The most incredible part of Mom’s superhuman ability to function on no sleep? She doesn’t look tired AT ALL! #concealerismyfriend
(And lack thereof)
Mom can interrupt her dinner to clean an explosive diaper. She doesn’t flinch when the baby spits up all over her face. Holding a vomiting kid’s hair back ain’t no thang. Some superhuman senses, like a heightened sense of smell would be a cruel joke on Mom, so she was blessed with the exact opposite. However, her hearing abilities have heightened considerably to allow her to catch the kids red-handed when they think they’re safe opening a package of cookies in their bedrooms 10 minutes before dinner time.
So, are you convinced? If not, go take a look in her closet (don’t look in the shoe boxes, there’s NOTHING delicious stashed in there). That’s where she keeps her cape!
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