“Things don’t have to change just because you have kids.”
Firmly planted in the list of changes, amongst the many, MANY things that change once you bring a screaming miniature version of yourself into this world, is your sex life when you’re a parent.
On a very basic level of changes that occur with your sex life when you’re a parent are things like:
-not being able to have sex whenever, wherever you feel like it
-not being able to take long, sensual showers together without pounding on the door from someone screaming they need to go poo.
-not being able to have sex with the lights on AND the door unlocked
-not being able to have sex without making sure that children are asleep (or at least very engrossed in the newest episodes of Paw Patrol), the house is tidied, everything is packed for the next day, and you’ve washed the spaghetti sauce out of your hair (or not, I’m not here to judge your sex life).
That is just the beginning of the list of things that will be immediately different for you with your sex life when you’re a parent. Here are some other bits that require a little more explaining.
5 ways your sex life changes when you’re a parent
You’ll probably have less of it
It doesn’t matter if promising your partner sex 5 times a week was in your vows-it’s probably not going to be happening right now. In fact, you’ll be lucky if you can make it happen 5 times a month, at least in the early phases of your kiddo’s life.
Not only will everyday life get in the way of allowing for sexy time, but general everyday life EXHAUSTION will also get in the way. Ask the majority of parents who haven’t slept in a few days if they’d rather get some sleep or get freaky and you’ll quickly see where priorities tend to be.
If you can try and discuss the possibility of having sex before it actually happens over a casual lunch conversation. Determining that this is something that you both would like to see happen may give you enough motivation to bring it to fruition.
Quickies will become necessary
Not just necessary, but the norm.
Nothing kills the mood like a kid walking in on you mid-bone because you forgot to lock the door or a baby waking up in the middle of your romp-session because they smell your letdown as you are 30 seconds away from climax.
If you want to achieve a duo-orgasm you’re going to have to do it quickly.
As your kids grow up and become a bit more predictable you can spend a bit more time indulging in fun things like foreplay and prolonging your sexy time, but in the meantime keep a big ol’ bottle of lube by the bed, try not to spend too much time on formalities, and get to the point as quickly as possible. That, or take turns doing things yourself:)
You’re going to be distracted
Not only do you have to lower your expectations about the frequency with sex when you’re a parent but you also need to understand that the quality may deteriorate, as well.
This isn’t to say that intimate time with your partner isn’t going to be wonderful, but it will be different. Unless you have a kid-free night (WOOHOO!!!) you’ll both likely be keeping an ear out for any little pitter-patters while stifling any sounds of pleasure that you may be producing. You may also find that instead of giving this sensual time your whole mind you’re also thinking about how you forgot to make the cupcakes you promised for the school bake sale.
Your body will be different
You may find that your perineum is especially sensitive. This skin has been stretched and is more delicate than it was before you had kids. While this should get better as your body heals from birth it’s something that should be considered before sexy time commences. Using lubricant and being mindful of stopping if there’s discomfort can reduce any pain associated with the irritation that comes with penetration on your poor perineum.
(**P.S. If sex is too painful because of your sensitive perineum make sure you have a discussion with your doctor sot hat you can get back to fully enjoying your sexual endeavours. )
Also, breastmilk. While you and your partner might enjoy your full breasts the appreciation for the potential spray that comes with an orgasm. You can remedy this by wearing a nursing bra with pads in it if it’s an issue for you.
Another thing to mention here is the possibility of a shift in confidence levels. There’s no denying that most folks experience a physical change once they’ve had a baby. They may be uncomfortable with their new body or have a difficult time adapting to the changes and regaining confidence.
Give it time to build back up. Start slow and don’t push anything. Do things that make you feel sexy and confident. Eventually, you will find something that will bring back that sexy confidence in the bedroom.
Your relationship might be different
As per that first sentence of this article, things do change once you have a baby. They don’t always change for the worst, of course, but they do change.
You and your partner have taken on new roles. You are now parents and you have to re-learn about each other in that role. Things you discussed regarding how you might be as a parent before your baby was born may be completely different now that your baby is here and some of these changes may be more surprising than others.
Often times a partner will become envious of the relationship between the parent who gave birth which can foster some tension between the parents.
The best way to go about these changes and to ensure that you have a successful relationship is to open the lines of communication. If this is not happening easily between you and your partner(s) it may be a good idea to seek out some individual or couples counselling.
These changes, of course, may or may not apply to you. Each relationship and situation is vastly different and those differences include sex lives, too. For this reason, avoid comparing yourself to your friends who tell you about their sex lives.
Just like everything with parenting you do you. Or, well, let your partner do you…if you’ve got time and energy, of course!