9 reasons why parenting is scarier than Halloween

reasons parenting is scarier than halloween

Halloween has it’s cauldrons, creepy goblins, and sinister clowns. These things are NOTHING when you’re a parent.

 

If you think witches are scary…

Try dealing with a “threenager”.

Sure, a witch could turn you into a horny toad, but a three-year-old can turn you into a blubbering idiot. They are powerful enough to make you question your ability as a parent, and they don’t even need to refer to their magic spell book.

If you think a morphing werewolf is frightening…

Try dealing with a Mom whose kids won’t go to sleep.

The full moon may not be fully out yet, but Mom is turning a little animalistic.  She’s pacing and grunting, and probably doing a little foaming at the mouth. She’s in desperate need of some quiet time and her litter, er, kids, are posing a major barrier for her to be able to accomplish that. If you encounter a woman in this state, slowly and calmly approach her. Do not make eye-contact. She is in a vulnerable state and may take this as a form of judgment. Give her a glass of wine: this has been proven to be the only elixir known to reverse the effects of a morphing Mommy.

If you think a ghost saying “BOO” is bone-chilling…

Try dealing with a colicky baby.

You’ll be hearing some significant “Boo-hoo”ing pretty much all the time. While the Ghostbusters are eager to suck up a slimy ghost they’re going to run for the hills when they meet your screaming infant.

If you think blood-sucking vampires are creepy…

Try dealing with life-sucking kids.

They may not sleep in coffins or turn into bats, but they will suck the life out of you (literally if you’re breastfeeding).

If you think zombies are eerie…

Try being one!

You haven’t slept properly in 3 years. It may seem like you’re simply acclimating to an existence of a broken 4 hours of sleep a night, but it’s highly recommended that you check and make sure you still have a pulse!

If you think haunted houses are scary…

Try cleaning yours.

I’m talking a really good deep clean. That includes the bathroom *gasp*, the kid’s bedrooms *eek*, and….behind the couch *AHHHHH*. You don’t know what you’re going to find back there but it’s likely you’re going to have nightmares for days.

If you think 8 spider legs is gruesome…

4 kids is scarier than halloween

Try dealing with 8 kids’ legs!

No, not 8 legs on one kid, but worse: 8 legs on 4 kids! Take it from me: at times there’s nothing scarier in the world!

If you think monsters are hair-raising…

Try dealing with kids the morning after Halloween.

Or Christmas. Or Easter. Or any occasion that involves them eating unsupervised amounts of candy. The morning after is a child’s version of an adult hangover. It ain’t pretty and a little hair of the dog isn’t going to help with this one.

If you think jack-o-lanterns are spooky…

Try dealing with a toothless kid.

When a jack-o-lantern “loses a tooth” there’s no intense pressure on you to remember your duties as “The Tooth Fairy”. However, when your 6-year-old proudly hands over their bloody rooted tooth and displays the gaping hole where it used to be, you know you must officially take on another persona in a mere few hours. Set your alarm. Don’t screw this one up. If you do you’ll find yourself paying interest on whatever the ol’ Tooth Fairy was going to leave. You don’t want that: kids these days aren’t cheap!

 

 

 

 

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