No more babies? No more sex.

no more sex

*WARNING: highly inappropriate content ahead!*

Dear, guy,

I’m done having babies. Like, so done. I’m done having babies to the point that when I see a baby my ovaries scream at me in such a way to remind me that I’ve had babies and I DON’T WANT ANY MORE BABIES. I’ve also gotten rid of all my maternity clothes so unless we’re going to buy hundreds of dollars worth of boutique maternity clothing (not that I ever had boutique maternity clothing but I would definitely want it if we got pregnant again), we aren’t having any more babies.

You don’t want to get a vasectomy. Fair enough. I know it’s intimidating wrapping your head (sorry, didn’t mean for that insensitive pun there) around a simple, relatively painless, 15 minute procedure. I’m sure I can be empathetic of it CONSIDERING I PUSHED OUR BABIES OUT OF MY VAGINA after a 10 million hour labor. But…your body, your choice. I dig it.

I don’t want more babies. You don’t want to lose your ability to have more babies in case I finally actually leave you. Fair.

So, what do we do to appease both of us?

We have a few options. I’m not a fan of most of them, except for one:

 

Condoms.

They might be a nice idea but your whining about the use of condoms often takes the pleasure out of sex (although maybe your whining could cover up my vagina fart). I agree, they’re really not a whole lot of fun-unless they’re used as balloons…balloons we maybe shouldn’t use at the kids’ birthday parties.

Hormonal birth control.

“GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!! Oh, I’m so sorry I yelled at you *wipes tear*. Ha. Haha. Hahahahahahaha.” You like that? That will be your life if I have to remember to take a tiny little hormone altering pill at the same time every day. Also, I forgot to pick up our kids from school the other day; do you really want this whole birth control thing to be on me?

IUD.

It’s probably the best of all the options but it’s still not awesome. You see, there’s a foreign object inserted into my body for an extended period of time. Considering I’ve spent a considerable portion of my life already with foreign objects in my body (babies) I think I wouldn’t mind taking a break.

Tubal ligation.

Speaking of simple, relatively painless 15 minute procedures let’s hop right on over to the other end of the spectrum.

Abstinence.

I’m 150% game for this. Wanna know why? My Battery Operated Boyfriend (BOB).

 

BOB, BOB, you’re not a man,

You won’t get me pregnant like a real penis can.

You give off great vibes and you don’t want to cuddle,

I use you when I want to; no need to be subtle.

 

I think we have a winner! I’ll enjoy a healthy relationship with BOB while you go fuck yourself!

 

Lots of love!

 

 

23 Comments

  1. Rachel | Wholly Unimpressive

    Seriously birth control is the worst thing ever. I was a literally psychopath for a whole year before my body got used to it, I gained 70 pounds and got five cavities. Never again. Abstinence or vasectomy. Those are the options.

    This post made me laugh so hard. Thanks!

    Reply
    1. Admin (Post author)

      Yep! I’m hormonal at the best of times…I’m not putting myself or my family through me on birth control!

      Reply
  2. Susan

    This was such a great read and so funny! Thank you for sharing.

    Reply
    1. Admin (Post author)

      Thanks for reading:)

      Reply
  3. Jessi

    This cracks me up! What’s funny, is my husband and I are the opposite. He is so done having babies, and I keep saying I eventually want one more lol

    Reply
    1. Admin (Post author)

      I have a few friends working on their husbands in this regard, as well. Good luck to you:)

      Reply
  4. Sapphire

    hahha you sound like Me . My biggest fear right now is pregnancy. I refuse to let anything stop Me from living My dream life. I’m like you want to put that where lol

    Reply
    1. Admin (Post author)

      Honestly, that’s it for me, too! We have 4 kids and now that I’m done having babies I’m looking forward (sooooo forward) to starting new things in life!

      Reply
  5. Monique

    Once you mention BOB a few times, I bet that vasectomy doesn’t sound so terrible after all lol!

    Reply
    1. Admin (Post author)

      Haha well, his feet are pretty firmly planted. As are mine. I suppose that’s another characteristic of BOB that I love; he doesn’t argue!!

      Reply
  6. Andrea Broom

    I totally get this and feel like not enough people talk about not wanting kids at the moment or ever, people freak out the moment I say that is a huge fear of mine getting pregnant.

    Reply
    1. Admin (Post author)

      I think to each her own! Pregnancy is kind of a big deal!

      Reply
  7. JoAn

    After me had our second, my husband ran to get a vasectomy. Ok, not ran, but you know what I mean. lol. It’s better than abstinence.

    Reply
    1. Admin (Post author)

      Hahaha yep! I agree that a vasectomy is better than abstinence. We’ll see how long it takes for that guy I live with to realize it too:)

      Reply
  8. Desiree

    Haha!! This is EXACTLY how I feel right now!

    Reply
    1. Admin (Post author)

      So glad I’m not alone;)

      Reply
  9. Danielle

    Thank you for this. I am not a mom but this made me laugh out loud.

    Reply
    1. Admin (Post author)

      I’m glad:) Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  10. Nikole

    This is hilarious and so true!!

    Reply
  11. Elizabeth Brico

    HAHAHA. YES! Just: YES!

    Reply
    1. Admin (Post author)

      😀

      Reply
  12. Kristina

    OMG!! Your chant for BOB is epic. hahaha

    Reply
    1. Admin (Post author)

      Hahaha I’m glad you liked it. That guy I live with didn’t seem too impressed. Ha!

      Reply

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