New Job Posting: Full-time MOM! Suckers, I mean, applicants apply within.

 

It generally doesn’t take much to become a parent.

There’s no formal education necessary, no required skills, and no application process.

Imagine, though, if there was. Here’s what the top applicant would look like:

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Name: Mama, Mommy, Ma, Hey You, MOOOOOOOM…just not ma’am. Never call me ma’am (it makes me feel old).

Age: 29….forever.

Address: No idea. I’ve never seen outside the laundry room.

 

Credentials:

-PhD in Reverse Psychology

-Bathroom Kit First Aid certified

 

Relevant Work Experience:

-Poop Scooper at the zoo

-Negotiator in hospital Psychiatric Ward

-Custodian at LegoLand

-Chef at “Nobody’s Gonna Eat This Anyway” restaurant

-Chauffeur for drunken fraternity

 

Relevant Skills and Strengths:

-Strong ability to dismiss irritating, repetitive noise

-Hold daytime liquor well (I almost never slur)

-Comprehensive knowledge of suitable profanity for any given situation

-Zero modesty; I can pee in front of an audience

 

Availability:

24/7/365. I also function on limited sleep, can eat standing up, and hold my urine for hours (unless I sneeze), so few breaks are necessary.

 

Desired Pay:

Loving hugs and kisses are all I need.

Just kidding.

I’ll accept wine.

 

Personal References:

Ahriya: CEO of Energysucker inc.

Talia: President of the Association of Tiny Dictators

Kaia: Facilitator of Attituders Annonymous

Nevaeh: Professor of Moody Preteens 101 at Mom’s-In-For-It University

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Oh snap. I think this bitch is hired!!

12 Comments

  1. Jewel Eliese

    This is cute. I love the ignoring loud, repetitive noises. I’mnot so good in that area! Haha.

    Reply
    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      I’m only good for so long…and then I’m REALLY not good haha!

      Reply
  2. Garry

    Hilarious! I love Talia: President of the Association of Tiny Dictators 🙂

    Reply
  3. Samantha

    I so get the feeling. Mine started in 1998, and it has only gotten crazier. Make sure to take some time to take care of yourself, or you will burn out. Wine is good for that.

    Reply
    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      “Wine is good for that.” My kind of advice, Mama:)

      Reply
  4. candy

    Okay this had me cracking up. One because it is totally true. 29 forever.

    Reply
    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      I think it’s safe to be 39 when you’re a grandmother, but until then 29 it is:)

      Reply
  5. Bridget

    LOL this is awesome!! My husband hates how I am able to ignore the loud & repetitive noises!

    Reply
    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      I think it’s a means of sanity. Can you imagine life WITHOUT ignoring all the noises?

      Reply
  6. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

    Thank you!

    Reply
  7. Amanda

    OMG…I love this. It is the first of your blogs I have read. I will be going back to read the others!

    Reply
    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      I’m so glad! Thanks for taking a look!

      Reply

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