It generally doesn’t take much to become a parent.
There’s no formal education necessary, no required skills, and no application process.
Imagine, though, if there was. Here’s what the top applicant would look like:
Name: Mama, Mommy, Ma, Hey You, MOOOOOOOM…just not ma’am. Never call me ma’am (it makes me feel old).
Address: No idea. I’ve never seen outside the laundry room.
-PhD in Reverse Psychology
-Bathroom Kit First Aid certified
Relevant Work Experience:
-Poop Scooper at the zoo
-Negotiator in hospital Psychiatric Ward
-Custodian at LegoLand
-Chef at “Nobody’s Gonna Eat This Anyway” restaurant
-Chauffeur for drunken fraternity
Relevant Skills and Strengths:
-Strong ability to dismiss irritating, repetitive noise
-Hold daytime liquor well (I almost never slur)
-Comprehensive knowledge of suitable profanity for any given situation
-Zero modesty; I can pee in front of an audience
24/7/365. I also function on limited sleep, can eat standing up, and hold my urine for hours (unless I sneeze), so few breaks are necessary.
Loving hugs and kisses are all I need.
I’ll accept wine.
Ahriya: CEO of Energysucker inc.
Talia: President of the Association of Tiny Dictators
Kaia: Facilitator of Attituders Annonymous
Nevaeh: Professor of Moody Preteens 101 at Mom’s-In-For-It University
Oh snap. I think this bitch is hired!!