There are few things that a person truly has to see to believe:

- A UFO
- The Loch Ness monster
- The gigantic hemorrhoids after birth.

9 (million- amiright?!) or so months gives a person time to become educated and informed on what her body is about to experience. She will be fascinated by the changes her body will make physically. She will be aware of the aches and pains that are normal while she grows life inside of her. She will understand the process of labor and know the calming strategies for when she delivers her precious baby.

However, there are some things a woman will not ever be able to learn from parenting books or social media. There are facts surrounding vaginal birth that seem to be avoided by the general public. Nobody seems to want to discuss pooping on the table, how a woman’s vagina looks after birth, and hemorrhoids after birth that are so big they deserve the second name choice you had for your new baby.

Hemorrhoids...shiver

Hemorrhoids often begin to rear their ugly heads when a person is pregnant.
When they’re carrying a child in her body there’s a whole lotta pressure bearing down on the backside. These nasty hemorrhoids often loiter for a few months, making their presence vaguely known here and there.
Usually, when the baby makes its grand entrance, that’s when the hemorrhoids make their grand entrance.

When a person gives birth they get to celebrate the life of her child. However, they must also grieve the death of their modesty. They just had the most exposed experience of their life as they pooped on the table (it ain’t no myth) moments before showcasing a baby coming out of their vagina through their splayed legs to a group of enthusiastic spectators. They felt confident explaining to the young student doctor that she, in fact, did not freeze them properly and that they could, in fact, feel her stitching them up. They have no problem taking off their nursing gown to put her baby to their breast in front of the room of visitors.

However, no words can describe the humiliation of having a well-intentioned nurse come to check up on the painful monster that has grown from their anus. Their pride and ego will heal quickly once they arrive home from the hospital, but the physical pain they’re feeling in her rear end will need some tending to. Their doctor has recommended they get a medicated topical cream, but their partner, still in shock from what was seen in the delivery room, did not hear her request to go buy some.

They are forced to take matters into their own hands and use things from around the house:

Having a baby can cause hemorrhoids. These are some hemorrhoid treatments

How to heal hemorrhoids after birth

-Sit on soft surfaces if and when you sit. That breastfeeding pillow you have is very multi-purpose. Siting on it can also help alleviate some of the pressure that you feel in your rectum.

-Drinks lots and lots of water.

-Try to get plenty of rest.

-Eat highly fibrous foods in order to avoid constipation and keep things as smooth as possible.

-Take as much gear as possible when you leave from the hospital. Those uber-comfortable, uber-sexy mesh undies, mondo-sized pads, and peri-bottles are great to have on hand.

-Have a sitz bath whenever possible.

-Soak a cloth in Witch Hazel and puts it between her bum cheeks to reduce swelling. It isn’t the most comfortable feeling in the world, but it does help reduce inflammation.

-Check out Pinterest for other home remedies and assess which ones would be suitable for your comfort level. A nice condom filled with ice cubes up the butt may work for some, but maybe not for her.

-Complain loudly because that provides the most relief possible and because you deserve to do that, dammit!

Due to the sensitive nature of the situation, it’s wise to be slightly cryptic in your advice to a new Mom about in order to avoid embarrassment and possible hormonal outbursts from saying the wrong thing (this ain’t no myth either).
Unless they explicitly share what a pain in the butt childbirth was for them you won’t know for sure whether hemorrhoids after birth is a condition that they’re currently suffering from. The pep talk they give themselves as they waddle into the bathroom is an indication, but it’s best not to assume.

Kindly suggest that they take care of “yourselves” -”[her]selves” being her and her hemorrhoids.
Bring them countless glasses of water while explaining that dehydration can cause fatigue (**this will work as a double positive: she will assume that your gesture implies she doesn’t appear fatigued. Go with this.
Tell them how beautiful they are at the moment but don’t make eye contact with the bags under her eyes-she’ll figure out you’re lying).
Bring them a food plate of dried figs, grapes, and bran muffins for “nourishment” purposes.

Whether or not you’ve had issues with massive growths on your rectum is beside the point. One can only begin to imagine the discomfort that they cause. Be secretly sympathetic while maintaining an element of smugness: you know darn well that this pain in their ass will be nothing compared to their sweet little baby when they grow into a teenager.