This is how NOT to pee

This is how not to pee

That pot of life-sustaining coffee is catching up with you. You’ve had to pee since the kids got up. You held it while you got them breakfast and ready for the day. After that, you held it while you started to get into your daily cleaning regime, which, obviously includes 90’s hits that you can’t help but shimmy and shake to. Unfortunately, all of your rad Mom moves are jostling your poor bladder that’s been horribly distorted by pregnancy and just doesn’t hold up like she used to.

You know that you have to make your way to the toilet soon. One sneeze and it’s over. All your pants are in the laundry and digging out that leather mini skirt from your college years to go get groceries is not a great option in the middle of winter (mostly because you haven’t shaved in about 3 months…oops)!

You stop yourself mid-dishes while the kids are happily glued to the television, and you race to the bathroom. You know you have 30 seconds until your kid’s “Mom’s doing something important and I’m suddenly starving” radar goes off, so you hurry up your urine stream by bearing down as hard as you can.

Now, before your kids can interrupt you, I’m going to take this opportunity to do so:

STOP! DON’T PEE LIKE THAT!

It’s completely understandable that you want to be able to pull your pants up before your 3-year-old waltzes into the bathroom holding your phone that’s got your Dad on FaceTime. However, you’re not doing yourself any favors in the long run. If you continue to hurry up your bladder that way you’re going to weaken the whole works down there which will ultimately cause an even more frequent urge to pee, even if there isn’t much in there. This post won’t be getting into the scienc-y, technical bits-this post is mostly here to tell you that it’s bad and you shouldn’t do it.

You joke now that your bladder just isn’t what it used to be. You make comments that your bladder has shrunk and that you can no longer go as long without peeing as you once used There’s so much truth to that, but Mom, it’s going to get even worse if you keep rushing your body!

Unfortunately, there’s also truth to the fact that, on average, you have 30 seconds alone in the bathroom before a troop of small humans invades your privacy.

Here are your options:

Option 1:

Lock the door. They’ll still be outside-you’ll be able to see the shadows under the door, but you won’t be able to see them. They also won’t be able to see you, so when you put your headphones in to drown out the agonizing screams attesting to their starvation they’ll be none the wiser.

Option 2:

Remember the team of doctors staring at your vagina while you birthed your baby? Ya, you also gave birth to the end of your modesty that day. A few kids watching you pee should be a walk in the park for you. If you’re having a bit of stage freight simply picture your audience in their underwear, which also should be a walk in the park because they likely actually are in their underwear.

Option 3:

Wear Depends adult underwear.

 

None of these three options is ideal, but, hey, welcome to Motherhood! Whichever route you take, make sure you give your body some time and “go with the flow”.

Make sure you take this advice, Mom. If you don’t, urine trouble!

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