Hot Mama! 7 simple ways to turn a woman on!

Prerequisites for having sex before you’ve had children:

  1. Not applicable

Prerequisites for having sex after you’ve had children:

  1. Children are asleep
  2. Both parties have showered
  3. Both parties have enough energy
  4. The house is clean
  5. Backpacks are packed for the next day
  6. The bedroom door is closed and locked
  7. No noise is made during the romp session

Everything changes after you’ve had kids. Your sex life is no exception. What once worked for you to turn a woman on may still do the trick; but you probably need to make a few modifications:

 

Talk dirty

Be dirty. Be gross. Be downright nasty.

She wants to hear every single detail of the filth you uncovered while you cleaned the bathroom so she didn’t have to. Tell her how you were on your knees scrubbing every corner. Let her know that you rubbed the shaft of that shower head until it was glowing.  She wants to hear about how you squirted the cleaner in the sink. Don’t leave her with any clean thoughts; only a clean bathroom.

Find her “G” Spot

Figure out a Go away spot for her to escape for a while. Encourage her to head to a yoga class, go for a massage at the spa, or have coffee with friends. Tell her to find something to do that’s just for her. She will be ohhh-ohhh-ohhhhhhhhhh so grateful you did.

Kiss her in all the right places

Kiss her ears? That’s ok…  Kiss the back of the neck? That’s nice…

Kiss her ass? You got it! Tell her how pretty she looks in her pajamas. Compliment her snack making abilities ( fishy crackers on a plate is more work than some care to acknowledge). Express what a wonderful job she’s doing as a mother. Let her know of all the wonderful things she’s doing.

Make sure you’re sincere. Any faking will be reciprocated later.

Make her a romantic dinner

Or just order pizza. Basically, anything that doesn’t involve HER cooking will excite her. Feel free set up candles and use the nice china (nice china=a plate that isn’t chipped), but don’t fuss too much about the food you’ll be eating at dinner. Think more about what you’re going to eat after dinner, you know, for dessert.

Buy her flowers

They may not be on the massively long list of food that needs to bought for the house, but you can find flowers at the grocery store when you go pick up groceries so she doesn’t have to battle the lines. Make sure that you buy all that’s on the list, but feel free to include a few extras such as chocolate, oysters, and strawberries.

Get her wet

You know it.

I know it.

She hasn’t bathed in a while.

Take the kids. Draw her a bath. Put away the pink rubber ducky (but leave the pink Rabbit).

Make sure to put the bath mat out for her before she gets in. You know how slippery things can get when they’re wet…you don’t want her falling!

Choose something comfortable for her to wear

Find something lacy, black, tight, and revealing.

Now, burn it.

Grab your brain and get the woman some yoga pants and her favorite hoody. If you’re lucky she’ll throw on that old nursing bra she has in the closet; you won’t have to undo the back but you’ll still have easy access.

 

 

There you have it. It really IS that easy to turn a woman on after she’s had kids.  All those extra things you once knew to get her “in the mood” pre-kids (glass of wine, massage, serenading) will still get her into bed…but she’ll be fast asleep before you can say “Honey, I showered.”

 

Flowers for a hot mama!

 

26 Comments

  1. Mary Barham

    hahaha oh girl!!! all moms need to share this with their husbands! it is so hard to even feel pretty … much less stay up at night!

    mary @ http://www.theforeverteacher.com

    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      Amen! It takes a full day of preparing (i.e., showering, having a nap) for that romp session!

  2. candy

    Honey I applaud you on writing this piece. Be a pta mom during the day and slut in bed. Be sure to lock that door.

    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      Oh, it’s locked! Nothing kills the mood like thinking your littles are asleep and then having one come “save you” from Daddy because she thinks he’s hurting you.

  3. Carin Harris

    This is a great post – especially your advice to lock the bedroom door. Woman really are not hard to figure out right?

    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      Not at all! We’re really easy to please….really!

  4. Nicole

    This was such a funny post! Loved reading it! 🙂

    Nicole | The Glam Surge

    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it:)

  5. Susannah

    Um… Yes to all of these! 🙂

    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      Not so difficult, right?!

  6. Priyadarshini

    I couldn’t stop laughing! Rightly said-tone and facts!

    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      I’m so glad you enjoyed it:)

  7. Tania Potter - Soul Sense Coaching

    Lol, these will work even for those of us who don’t have kids. My husband brought me flowers yesterday, two beautiful bunches of roses just because. Yay him!

    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      Yay him…and YAY YOU!! Enjoy those flowers, lady!

  8. heidi

    Too funny but true. My kids are grown but seeing my husband do the dishes gives me the goose bumps lol.

    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      Hahaha yes! Simple ways!

  9. Matt @ Sprinkles and Sawdust!

    This is totally hilarious and totally true. I’m sending it to my wife, she’ll get a kick out of it. 🙂

    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      Thanks!

  10. Gary Mathews

    I’ll have to remember this :), hilarious!

  11. Katie

    Okay this was hilarious and totally not what I was expecting. XD Thanks for sharing!

  12. LaNeshe

    LOL. Great post.

    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      Thank you!

  13. Kate

    What a great witty article. I don’t have kids it really enjoyed reading!

    1. Samantha Palmer (Post author)

      Thanks!

  14. Sarah Harris | Makesmewander.com

    Brilliant post! I honestly wish I’d thought Of writing this myself.

    1. Admin

      Thanks:)

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