The part of me that died when my fourth baby was born

fourth and final pregnancy

I was 19 when I got “knocked up” with our first daughter.

I barely knew how to take care of myself, let alone support the life of another being.

When she was born, a part of me ceased to exist any longer.  I was no longer just “Me”. Freedom in it’s entirety would cease to exist for me.  I was no longer my number one priority. My goals and aspirations no longer involved only what I wanted for myself; they now considered what was right for this tiny being. I was a mother; and while my former self had come to be no more a new definition of who I was developed.

When our second and third daughters were born I didn’t experience the monumental shift in identity that I did with my first. I had already made the transition into motherhood and still felt the desire to continue having children. However, the pregnancy and birth of our fourth daughter extinguished a part of me that I had never considered before.  My childbearing journey had drawn a close when my youngest entered the world. I had made this realization during the time she grew inside of me but the finale surfaced mixed emotions within me. I am capable of bearing more children but  have chosen to not regard it as an option any longer. I have chosen to enter a new phase in my life; a phase that will allow the “Me” part of myself to gradually integrate back into my life. A phase that will allow me to merge my independence and what I want out of life with what is right for my family.  A phase that will allow me to take the experiences that I’ve gained through my journey of pregnancy, childbirth, infancy, and toddlerhood-the experiences that have allowed me to grow into the person that I am today- and apply those invaluable lessons to the rest of my life as a Mother, and as a professional.

I know there will be days where I will mourn the death of my childbearing years. These are the days I will celebrate my four beautiful daughters and I will remind myself that I am content.

My years of growing life inside my body have drawn to a close.

They will forever be gone…but will never be forgotten.

 

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