We’ve all encountered them.
They’re on social media, on the news, in magazines and the newspaper:
“THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO PARENT” articles, written by Dr. Iknoweverythingaboutkidsbutdontactuallyhaveany.
They are filled with “current and updated” information that contradicts everything you currently do as a parent and make you feel like the shittiest parent on earth.
I used to read these articles until one day I clicked on a link to the “50 things NEVER to say to your child”. By the time I reached #38 I realized I had said every single one of those things at some point or another. I then proceeded to spend the next 2 weeks feeling guilty over the inevitable irreversible damage that I’d done to my children’s psyches.
I now avoid these articles like they’re alcohol-free playdates. Instead, I focus on my attention looking for articles that I would WANT to read, such as:
“A PARENT’S GUIDE TO PRESSURE POINTS”
A comprehensive guide on how to use the age old technique of pressure points to your advantage. Well, actually, just one pressure point. The most important one…nighty night tantruming 2-year-old.
“TOP 10 WAYS TO DISCREETLY DAY DRINK”
From stainless “coffee mugs” to a flask in your nursing bra that you’ve been wearing since you stopped breastfeeding 4 years ago. As long as you can maintain a consistent, healthy buzz and not slur your profanities no one will ever think booze is your preferred method of keeping your shit together.
“STEPS TO GET YOUR KIDS TO HAPPILY EAT A HEALTHY MEAL”
Forgetting threatening and fighting with them. All you need to do is bribe them with bacon and a little candy!
Sure fire ways to spot these bitches before they make it within a 1 kilometer radius of you and your little angels…the ones you’re currently screaming at while feeding them fast food and non-organic sugar while they sit in front of the t.v. watching “Orange is the New Black” for the sixth hour in a row.
“WHICH WINE SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TONIGHT?”
Life’s full of tough decisions. This handy quiz will help with those extra challenging choices.
”BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THE HOUSE FOR YOUR CHOCOLATE STASH”
A list of Mom-approved spots that your little mooches wouldn’t even think to look, like the cleaning supply drawer or anywhere near the washing machine. *Bonus–these spots are also husband proof!
“HOW TO KINDLY RESPOND TO COMMENTS ON YOUR HOUSEKEEPING”
Telling Judgy McJudgy Face to “fuck off” while slapping a nice big smile on your face is no longer your only option!
“SEX AFTER KIDS: CLEAN THE HOUSE, PACK LUNCHES, SHOWER, CHECK YOUR E-MAILS, FEED THE DOG, LOCK THE DOOR AND FOLLOW THESE TIPS FOR A WILDLY QUIET, PROBABLY INTERRUPTED SHAG”
Rekindling a faded sex life has never been easier than now! Follow these 7 Simple Ways To Turn A Woman On to double your number of sexy times a month. That’s right, you could have sex THREE times this month!!
Articles like these are hard to find. Please join me at the park so we can scour the internet for them on our phones and ignore our children while they play.