Crimes Punishable By Divorce

bear, happy wife happy life,divorce

Divorce is avoidable, if you follow these few guidelines.

I’m a pretty good partner, according to myself. I’m decently reasonable,  I don’t expect extravagant gifts, and obviously I put out (I have at least 4 times)!

I don’t ask for much in return for my awesomeness from that guy I live with. To make me happy all I need is for him to occasionally (you can decide what I mean by “occasionally”) bring me a glass of wine and tell me that  I’m pretty.  I assume that the following rules are common sense, but sometimes I need to remind him of these crimes punishable by divorce:

DO NOT PUT MY JEANS IN THE DRYER

It took me 45 minutes to squeeze into these jeans. I had to wear these jeans while not breathing for 6 hours before they were loose enough to look THIS good (see #6). The only reason I had to wash them before my usual 4  wear allotment was because I was peed on…twice.  Putting on clothes is enough of a task every day;  please don’t make it even more difficult for me.

WINE IS FOR DRINKING, NOT FOR COOKING

Wine. Wine.  Wine.

How I love thee.

Other than in a glass

Wine should not be.

I love when you make dinner. I appreciate that I don’t have to cook. However, using the last of my bottle of red in your pasta sauce is a big fat no no.

KEEP SLEEP RELATED COMMENTS TO YOURSELF

Take a good long look into my blood shot eyes and really consider if you want to comment on how well the baby slept last night. ONE baby slept well last night…and it wasn’t the cute one.

NEVER,EVER,EVER COMMENT ON THE QUALITY OF MEALS I’VE MADE

Blackened” is a thing now. I’m pretty sure the phrase was coined by a fellow mama who was tired of justifying her slightly overdone meals, but regardless, IT’S A THING.  So, I’m sorry your steak wasn’t marinated for 6 hours and slowly seared to a perfect medium tenderness, but I was kinda busy trying to clean our kid’s shit off the floor while screaming at the dog to stop  eating it. My advice: Eat your dinner with a smile slapped on your face, stuff your comments with your blackened meal, or that steak knife won’t be used to cut the meat on your plate:)

DO NOT COMMENT ON MY BODY

This amazing vessel housed and nourished our children. The sagging breasts and hanging belly ponch do not need acknowledgement unless they are being recognized for their incredible accomplishments and thanked profusely for their sacrifice. That’s all.

NEVER BUY CHOCOLATE WITH MORE THAN 55% COCOA

If I’m requesting chocolate it’s likely I NEED chocolate. Let me choose the antioxidant rich bar when I’m on a health kick, not when I’m an emotional mess that craves sugary sweetness.  Women have gotten off on charges due to pleads of insanity due to hormonal shifts. Do you know what prevents hormonal women from becoming dangerous? Milk chocolate.

DON’T WATCH OUR NETFLIX SHOWS WITHOUT ME

It isn’t our show if you watch it without me. You can say you wont’ give anything away but we both know you will. Either don’t watch without me or be prepared to re-watch the entire episode without saying a word.

DON’T EVER ASK “WHAT DID YOU DO ALL DAY?”

JUDGE: “Samantha, you are a mother to 4 children and a dog. You are being charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon [steak knife]. What do you have to say for yourself?”

ME: “Your honor…he asked “What did you do all day?”.

JUDGE (to that guy I live with): “Sir, you are being sentenced to 3 years in prison for sheer stupidity.”

 

Like I said before, it’s not difficult to keep me happy, which will in turn keep that guy I live with happy (trust me). Happy wife, happy life, right?? As long as he complies with those simple requests and abides by those few guidelines I foresee a happy, divorce-free relationship until our youngest turns 18.